I say Panama, you say…?
Well, it’s going to be one of two things: “hats” or “canal”. OK, or possibly “Jack’s”  if you’re Capetonian and into dockside seafood.

The Canal famously goes right through Panama twixt Panama City and… er… Colon, so that’s a valid Panamanian thing (also, it’s ‘currently being extended’, but… but how?).
The hats, however, infamously actually originate from Ecuador, which is but one Colombia away from Panama, but isn’t Panama. They are definitely hats though.

There is another Panama thing. A biggie, too. The Disease. If you’ve ever had Panama Disease, then frankly I’m amazed that you’re reading this. Not just because it’s invariably fatal, but moreover because it only affects bananas.

Fusarium oxysporum – that’s your problem, right there. It’s untreatable. And it’s been an issue for a while, prompting lines like:

The banana industry was in a serious crisis, so a new banana thought to be immune to Panama disease was found and adopted, the Cavendish.

But now even the trusty, sturdy Cavendish is becoming threatened by a new variant of Panama Disease: “Tropical Race 4”.
And it’s serious. Because Banana Business is Big Business: R5.7 BILLION Business each year in North Queensland alone. NQ is panicking a bit, because the catastrophic Northern Territory banana crash of 1997 – yes, caused by that fungal bastard – is still very fresh in the memory. The NT banana industry has never really recovered either, because the Fusarium spores can hang around in the soil for 30 years or more, just waiting for their next bananary host to be planted and then killing it, and with it, the local industry.
The concern is that NQ may well go the same way.

We’re not immune here in South Africa, either.

Fusarium wilt (Panama disease) is responsible for severe Iosses of Cavendish bananas in two of the six production areas of South Africa: Kiepersol and southern KwaZulu-Natal (KZN). The disease first occurred in KZN in 1940, and from there spread to Kiepersol with infected plant material, where it resulted in 30% Ioss of banana fields between 1991 and 2000.

The biggest problem with bananas, aside from their irritating habit of being green when I want to buy them in Woolies, is that they reproduce asexually. Poor things. Asexual reproduction doesn’t allow for much genetic variation though, and so if Daddy banana is wilting (careful now), Baby banana is going to get it too. Bad news for bananas generally.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the answer. But that’s kind of the point here. No-one has the answer: it’s another case of us so-called brilliant humans being outwitted by a microbe. Now, not only it it the case that we are all going to die horrible deaths soon, we’re not going to have any bananas to eat while we’re doing it.