Category: uk

Danger Gulls in Scotland

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Things are getting (more) dangerous in Scotland. And by things, I mean Seagull Attacks. So much so, that now politicians there are calling for a summit to discuss the issue.

See?

How will this help? Will the seagulls be attending? And if so, will they agree to cease their ever more terrifying acts of violent assault on Scottish people – especially the children?

Yes. Exactly. Because they are the ones that are being attacked:

Ms Hamilton said “aggressive” seagulls had attacked seven children in one month last year in Eyemouth, leaving one girl “with gashes to her scalp and blood running down her face”.

Thankfully, this was in the town of Eyemouth and not Carotidartery. Maybe choose to live somewhere that doesn’t give them ideas.

And it’s no wonder that people are scared when you look at the size of the gulls in the article above.

That one is almost as big as a church. And that would be terrifying if it came after you. Although this church (and presumably the massive seagull) are on the West coast of Scotland (in Largs), while Eyemouth in on the East coast. But I do think that I remember reading once that seagulls can fly, so I don’t think that you’re 100% safe even with that geographical assistance.

Anyway, it’s clearly something that NatureScot – the Scottish Nature people responsible for licensing control of the birds and… er… also conserving them – need to sort out. The MPs aren’t happy about their efforts so far:

The behaviour of the SNP’s quango NatureScot confirms they have lost the plot. They have told people to protect themselves with umbrellas and even suggested dogs as a deterrent.

Umbrellas for the birds attacking from above, dogs for the assaults from ground level, I presume.
It really wouldn’t work any other way, right?

The strength of the cross-party support in my debate today should be all the SNP government need to finally act before we see someone killed due to being attacked by a gull.

It’s not clear (to me, at least) how exactly this would occur. Unless the gulls are carrying knives and guns now. And the victim is umbrella and dogless. In which case they were asking for trouble, anyway.

Our seagulls in Cape Town are nowhere near as big or aggressive as these Scottish monsters. Although I would still advise you to take an umbrella down to the Waterfront if you’re headed there this weekend.

It’s going to rain.

Birmingham, summed up

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United have a first round Carabao Cup tie away at Birmingham City.

And we described it on our website as:

Tip?

Interesting example. Anyway…

Look. I’m thinking that whoever did the title meant “trip”, but also that they had – at some point – visited Birmingham, and thus their subconscious took control of their typing fingers.

Hard to argue with it, though. I wouldn’t edit this at all.

Padel – elitist in the UK as well

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I mentioned here that padel is a bit of an elitist sport in South Africa.

Well, just look:

Apparently it’s also a bit of an elitist sport in the UK, as well.

According to the Lawn Tennis Association (LTA), there are currently around 800 padel courts in Britain, but over 400,000 players.
Research by Ray Algar, an expert on the economics of sport and exercise, shows that the average off-peak court hire in the UK is about £30, but peak time prices can reach £80 at some venues.

Thirty quid isn’t far off what a court costs in SA, and while the cost of living here is much lower (meaning that in real terms, padel is more expensive here than there), eighty pounds (basically R2000) an hour is completely ridiculous.

The rise of the racquet sport – usually played in doubles on an enclosed court where balls can be played off the walls – has been helped by influencers and celebrity players such as Stormzy.

I think that Stormzy was the guy who got a lot of the middle-class, white South Africans into padel as well. It’s a perhaps surprising crossover between tax advisory services and accountancy during the day, and then banging out freestyle rhymes over classic grime beats in the evening while playing shit tennis in a fish tank, but it does happen.

The plan in the UK is to open more courts:

As the organisation that looks after padel in the UK, the LTA has launched a new five-year strategy that aims to work with local authorities to build more courts.

See? And the aim here is getting a more diverse cohort involved in the sport. But this has never really worked with polo, and I can’t see it happening with padel in the near future, either.

There are far better options: You can book a 5-a-side court for less than a padel court here, you can spread the cost ten ways instead of four, and all you need is a R200 football instead of four plastic bats whose costs stretch into five figures.

You might not get the inter-game spreadsheet banter that you crave, but it’s still a decent workout.

It’s fine. Padel won’t be around forever, and then it’s only a matter of time until the next elitist fad comes around. And whatever that might be will eventually be “ruined” by letting “common people” have a go at it as well. So I guess the padelers should enjoy it while they can.

All for nothing?

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No matter who wins this afternoon’s little matchup in North London, it’s going to be a massive struggle for them to stay in the Premier League next season. The last six clubs promoted to the top flight have come straight back down, and between them, scored a record number of points. And not a record number in a good way.

Why is this? Well, the gulf between the two leagues has always been opening up, but it seems that soon after Covid, it widened into a chasm of epic proportions. And if you were in there when this happened, you now seem to have some sort of protection against relegation.

So suddenly, you have the likes of Bournemouth, Fulham, Brentford and Brighton battling it out for European places. And no offence to those clubs, but they’re not exactly historically the biggest teams. But they were in the mix when it counted and now they are the new biggest teams.

Of course, 95% of it comes down to money. Plucky performances and passionate support can only do so much. And how on earth are Championship cubs meant to compete when there’s this level of financial disparity?

When you don’t have European football, and when you don’t have an assured place in the Premier League, you simply can’t attract big players. And the double whammy is that the opposition can.
And thanks to English teams performing way above the average in the European competitions this year, there could be as many as 10 of the 17 existing teams in the Premier League playing in Europe next year. Six of them will be in the top tier on the chart below, another four in that second tier.

There’s a lot of money splashing around for the other clubs when you aren’t in those top two bands.

Spurs and ManU might have had absolutely awful seasons this time around, but they were still miles clear of the relegation places. There’s just no competition anymore when it comes to going down. And while that might be a very comfortable position for the established clubs, it will slowly(?) kill the league.

Of course, I hope we go up this afternoon. We have played brilliantly all season and we deserve to celebrate with something to show for it. But at the back of my mind (and those of dirty l**ds and Burnley fans, if they’re being honest), is the tinge of realism that next season will be a hard watch.

Still… let’s deal with that if and when we have to.
COME ON YOU RED AND WHITE WIZZZZZAAAAARDS!

EDIT: OK, a few days later now and that didn’t go well.
But I have just spotted this:

Which does kind of prove the point.

Opponents and internet hypocrisy

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So, thanks to a 120+2 winning goal, it’s Sunderland that get through to face United in the Playoff Final next Saturday. Got to love that last minute winning feeling. As the “Football Away Days” FB page shared:

And it is a great photo, depicting a great moment. I’ve spotted at least two phones, but let’s not let that detract from the image and the impressive description.

No, let’s allow… er… the “Football Away Days” FB page to do that for themselves, by suggesting that the last minute winning goal (see above) should never have been allowed to happen:

Extra points for using an image taken a whole 2 seconds before the one at the top of this post.

Got to keep all the fans happy? Easy!
Simply use the narrative that Sunderland fans are amazing, and that Coventry City were cleared robbed. Just don’t do it in the same post. Separate them by at least a couple of minutes.

Well done. I’m sure that no-one has noticed.