With newspapers, the internet and social media full of images which have proved difficult to handle for ruling politicians all over the world, while offering unprecedented opportunities for slacktivism and cheap, opposition bandwagon-jumping and point-scoring, we finally have some clarity from our own Government on the current refugee crisis. Geographically, we may be rather distant from the current troubles, but in these days of the global community, no country is exempt from making excuses statements about the problems. Thankfully, our erstwhile Minister of Home Affairs broke his silence and had this to say:

We note the situation in Syria and the surrounding regions with alarm and disappointment. Despite the fact independent figures suggest that over 95% of the civilians killed in Syria over the past four years have been at the hands of President Assad, whom we tacitly support through our partnerships with Russia and Vladimir Putin, we maintain that these problems are clearly the result of the evil, imperialist, neo-colonial Western powers and their political and military interference in the region.

As Africans, we are culture-bound to extend the spirit of Ubuntu to those in peril, especially those who find themselves needing to cross borders in haste, as we recently demonstrated with our role in assisting President Omar al-Bashir in safely returning to his homeland. In addition, in defying the imperialist agenda of the ICC’s puppet-masters, his safe return to Khartoum will allow us, without any suggestion of irony, to further demonstrate our role in conveniently overlooking the 5.5 million individuals displaced from his homeland.

South Africa has long been known for its open, welcoming arms to those from other nations. Who could forget the warmth we infamously showed Ernesto Nhamuave back in 2008? It is with this in mind that we will open our otherwise secure, conventionally impenetrable borders to those displaced by the turmoil in Syria, those who have had to hurriedly evacuate their homes, those often forced to leave their possessions, and members of their close families behind.

* Incoming refugees will be asked to provide suitable paperwork, including identity documents, passports, the original unabridged birth certificates of any individuals below the age of 18, and a certified Affidavit giving consent to travel from any absent parent named on the aforementioned original unabridged birth certificate. It should also be noted that any Syrian national wishing to enter the Republic of South Africa is also required to provide a valid visa for their entry into the country. This visa can be obtained from the South African embassy in Damascus. Appointments are available between 12-2pm on the first Wednesday of alternate months, subject to the absence of military activity in the Jadet Kouraish, West Mezzeh area of the city. Visas cost $500 per person. Cash only.

Ha. Your move, UK.