Here, via The Poke, are 28 Invaluable Lifestyle Tips From Chat Magazine.
Some aren’t that bad, although there was nothing that jumped out at me as being a really good idea.
However, there are several that are just terrifyingly, mind blowingly, bewilderingly bizarre:
A sobering reminder: These people exist, and they walk among us.
This is nice. It’s an app, but not an app in the sense that we use apps on our smartphones and tablets.
Tide.is a website app that tells you the times of the high and low tides today, wherever you are.
And that’s it. It doesn’t tell you want time high tide is tomorrow or low tide was yesterday. It doesn’t tell you the tides for Durban if you’re in Cape Town, not Port St. Mary when you’re in Hull. What are you doing in Hull anyway? Are you some sort of masochist?
Because there are other places to look for that sort of thing.
Simplicity from Cape Town resident Rob Hope: “a South African entrepreneur passionate about One Page websites, minimalism and building rad things online.”
This ticks plenty of boxes there.
Incoming email reply from local restaurant manager begins:
You are, unless I am much mistaken, Mr @6000 on Twitter. I follow you via our [local restaurant] account and I am a fan of your twitter persona and your most entertaining and informative website. We shall see to it that [another local restaurant] and several others become so as well. That way, they may all learn something from you.
Oh blimey. My reputation precedes me. Although it’s a bit of stretch to just think “microbiologist” and “6000.co.za email address”, and assume that we are one, the same, and have a numerical pseudnym on a popular social media platform (although we are, and we do).
To be honest, it’s an even bigger stretch to call this blog “most entertaining and informative”, but hey, I’ll take it.
More customer service like this, please.
Unimpressed with someone? Trace their ancestory back a bit, apply a liberal dose of anti-constitutional xenophobia and suggest they leave the country, post-haste.
Julius Malema was at it last week, with his typically edgy, borderline xenophobic comments about curry and the Guptas, before telling his adoring audience that the well-connected Gupta family “must leave the country with immediate effect”. Here are some t-shirts on sale so you can wear your xenophobia in case your voice becomes a bit hoarse from constantly shouting about it.
And then today, there was this gem from Ses’Khona spokesperson Sulyman Stellenboom (just one R away from perfect nominative determinism), who gave us this line on Western Cape Premier Helen Zille:
Zille is a ‘germ from Germany’ who must ‘go back where she came from’
Magnificent. Aside from the fact that Zille was born in Joburg, that is. And the fact that it’s repulsively and unnecessarily xenophobic. Maybe Sulyman and the Surly Man both had this feelings poster on their respective bedroom walls. Or maybe they’re just attention-seeking twats using the media’s love of hyperbolic soundbites, and carefully drawing on the populist element of South Africa’s rich recent history of not liking people from other countries very much.
Who knows?
It doesn’t even make sense though, does it? “A germ from Germany”? People from Germany are called Germans, not germs. Germs is a generic term for bacteria. Helen Zille may be many things to many people, but she’s clearly not a single-celled, prokaryotic, pathogenic micro-organism. Nor is she the reproductive part of a cereal. Obviously not.
What was the idiot thinking? Does he also think that Angolans deserve to ‘ang? Or that people from Sweden are merely thinly-veiled turnips. Ooh, and don’t get him started on the Finnish.
The bloke’s a tosser. From… Tossland.
Or something.
Later on, there’s going to be some fighting around Parliament as all the different groups, cultures, colours and various party supporters meet in one massive congested space in Cape Town CBD and the police struggle to keep them apart. The media will love that too.
Anything inflammatory. Which is exactly why Julius and Sulyman keep spouting their xenophobic crap – because they know that’s how they get heard.
I’ve checked, and it’s not April 1st. So colour me confused…
Lewis Group is probably best known for the business of selling furniture, although most of its revenue actually comes from the credit side of the business of selling furniture. As an aside, that side of their business has not always had the best press.
Selling credit is both a profitable and a risky business. When things are good, the rewards are plentiful. When things are bad, the rewards are still plentiful, but they’re harder to get at and you make a lot of people’s lives hell while getting at them (the rewards and the people).
Maybe you need to diversify. Have a secondary line of business far detached from furniture, appliances and ripping poor people off selling expensive credit.
So, it’s either making Thneads or Essay writing. And a thnead is a thing that everyone needs, but then loads of people need essays writing too, because they simply don’t have the time or ability to do it themselves. So – given the absence of local Truffula trees – it’s the latter option that Lewis Group has taken. And this is how they told us about it:
Professional Tailor made Essay Producing Service
February 9, 2016
We allow a large number of learners all around the English-speaking community struggling with time or have difficulties completing their tailor made essays, coursework, research papers, thesis, or maybe even dissertation. If you are exploring for your powerful and concise academic paper or a custom essay that is certainly created to fit your wants then you definately have found the appropriate area. We’ve been the most veteran essay-writing services and thoroughly warranty your fulfillment.
I’d guess that about 75% of my time at university was spent exploring for my powerful and concise academic paper. Definately [sic]. And who doesn’t want their fulfillment [sic] thoroughly warrantied?
Exactly. Everyone wants their fulfillment [sic] thoroughly warrantied.
So it’s all good. And so, they continue:
The original essays that you may get the following are accomplished by tailor made essay writers and researchers, who’ve professional and post-graduate degrees in the area of specialization that you desire. Acquiring the devoted assist of the experienced essay writer and researcher will make the many big difference in your own personalized essay. If you’re getting a trouble using your educational essay-writing then you shouldn’t allow your grades experience by not finishing the assignment or publishing a half-finished analysis paper or essay.
Well done for acquiring the devoted assist. That will indeed make the many big difference. I’m certainly not getting a trouble with that, although there is some sort of nagging doubt about something I just can’t put my finger on right now.
But wait; there’s more:
Any Published Undertaking, Regardless how Difficult
We are below that will help you with even your most complex composing assignments. The confirmed competence of our certified essay writers can effectively protect all sectors of scholarly examine in close to any issue place. Our essay creating service may help you once you demand to sort a descriptive or persuasive essay to a complicated investigate paper with the doctoral level.
Did you get that? They are below that will help you. And it’s that kind of thing that can protect all sectors of scholarly in close to any issue place. This is big stuff, because a lot of less professional essay writing outfits only protect a few sectors of scholarly in close to any issue place. That’s why you’re going to be paying these guys the big bucks for a complicated investigate paper with the doctoral level.
I could go on – because they do. And while I’m still not sure if this is real (spoiler: I do know that it’s just a hack), I do know that (currently), it’s really on their site:
And, just in case it does go missing, I’ve sensibly PDF’d the whole page for your reading pleasure.
As a press release, it’s fairly informative, but as an advert for the quality of the service you can expect from their new venture, it’s utterly spectacular.