Mental scenes in usually sleepy Cambridge this last week as “it all kicked off” during… well… during a “vigil for lobsters”, as you can see:

Right. Some sorting out of this story needs to be undertaken and I’m undertaking it. A quick check of the Cambridge News website gives us the details:

Animal rights activists claim a campaigner was arrested for ‘blowing a whistle’ after a silent vigil was held for lobsters outside a Cambridge restaurant.
About 15 protesters gathered at the Riverbar, Quayside to protest over the boiling of live lobsters.
The vigil was held on Saturday half way through the event, and veteran activist Joan Court, 95, spoke to campaigners about the culinary practice.
Edmund Maile, of Animal Rights Cambridge and the United Shellfish Front, said: “One protester was arrested early on for blowing a whistle. She was released from custody around 4am the next morning with no charge.”

To be honest, those details raise more questions than they do answers. Why a sudden protest about lobsters, a crustacean we as humans have surely enjoyed for many thousands of years? Why Cambridge, when it’s the USA and Canada that produce and consume almost two-thirds of the lobsters worldwide each year? Yeah – maybe protest in Cambridge, Massachusetts, those New England lobster-murdering bastards!!!, but this is Cambridge in England: it’s much more gentile and (despite being awfully posh) puts far fewer lobsters to DEATH BY PAN than its Stateside namesake.

Next up: “Joan Court, 95”. That’s a pretty good age to be still active, let alone being an activist. But then I once saw a QI programme with Stephen Fry, where it was suggested that because of their telomerase enzymes, lobsters were potentially immortal. All of which suddenly makes 95 look a bit pathetic.
Not that all lobsters can live forever. Those at the Riverbar in Cambridge, for example, only really last until they meet the bubbly water in the big hot pan in the kitchen.
I’m not suggesting that anyone should try this with Joan.

Edmund Maile. Edmund. Edmund, Edmund, Edmund.
Edmund looks like you’d expect him to look. A bit hippy, a bit unkempt, a proper rebel; A proud member of  “The United Shellfish Front”? Really? Well, yes. Really.

The United Shellfish Front (USF) is a decentralised organisation dedicated to abolishing the exploitation of aquatic invertebrate animals.

It does sound like something from Monty Python though, doesn’t it?

Palin [dressed as caveman, on desolate rocky shoreline][holds up sea creature]: This looks good, Chief. Should we eat it?
Cleese [dressed as Chief Caveman][officiously]: Does it ‘ave a spine? We can’t eat it if it doesn’t ‘ave a spine. The United Shellfish Front will be all over us with their silent vigils and candles and such.
Palin: [mildly bewildered]: Well, how do I know, Chief?
Cleese: Tear it’s ‘ead off and ‘ave a look.
Palin: [tears head off sea creature, which wails pitifully as he does so] No, Chief. No spine.
Cleese: [look of resignation] Bugger.

Because no. Never mind the fishes, because the discriminatory little shits choose to disregard the feelings of anything with a spine. So, sharks are safely covered by the USF, eels aren’t, and your local fish shop is fine, as long as they don’t sell mussels. Or possibly octopii.

But even after all of this, one question stands head and shoulders above the rest:

Why on earth was someone blowing a whistle at a silent vigil?

Worst Silent Vigil. Ever.

And while the animal rights people are all up in arms over the arrest, firstly, having talked to a legal expert (and I mean a real one, not a twitter Oscar commentator) I would wager that the woman wasn’t arrested for “blowing a whistle”, because that’s not actually a crime. I’d wager that it was something a bit more than that. Like being a bit of a twat. Technically, of course, that’s also not illegal, but it is far more likely to get you carted away by the Rozzers for a couple of hours than a quick ‘peep peep’.
Secondly, if I was Edmund Maile, with my whelk-loving brethren, and I was trying to organise a silent vigil, and someone came along and started blowing a whistle around my vigil, I’d probably give Plod a quick nod and get rid of her sharpish, capisce? No self respecting animal rights group wants a whistleblower in their ranks, now do they?

Bdum-tish.

Edmund said:

“Although our group does not encourage or partake in unlawful behaviour, any kind of activity that may be regarded an ‘extreme’ response to animal abuse is unlikely to be significant when compared to the harm that millions of lobsters suffer.”

Obviously, by “our group”, he is speaking for the USF and not Animal Rights Cambridge, because Animal Rights Cambridge (including Edmund) have quite willingly broken the law before.
Perhaps the most illustrious of their antics was when they tried and failed to stop a boat race in Cambridge to protest about the relocation of a swan from the river. Yes, really (again).

The male swan had developed an extremely aggressive tendency towards all forms of river craft. Rowing boats had borne the brunt of these attacks, which had resulted in vessels losing steering control and scullers capsizing.

So the authorities relocated him away from humans. And the hippies decided to protest about that 3 months later, following absolutely no further attacks on anyone on the river. People can be odd, can’t they?
And by “people”, I mean Edmund and friends and I also mean whoever decided not to just top the swan, there and then. Big pan of boiling water, done.

Tasty, too.

Agnes Trzak, PhD researcher of social justice, said: “We, the public, would find it unacceptable and outrageous if other species were to be killed in the same place we bring our families for a pleasant dining experience.”

Nope. You don’t speak for me. I want it fresh and I want it now. I’m completely aware that an animal has to die for me to eat it. That’s because evolution has plonked me right at the top of the food chain, looking down on those herbivorous delicacies below. And in fact, with such aquatic invertebrate animals as the lobster, I’d much prefer that killing to be done in the kitchen right next door, as those things can go off pretty quickly.
If you don’t want to eat in a restaurant where animals are part of the food, go and eat in a vegan place. That’s just fine by we, the rest of the public. But don’t go telling me where and what I should and shouldn’t eat, with your poorly-observed silent vigils and your ridiculously belated and pointless swan protestations. Grow up.

But then I suppose that nothing quite screams Cambridge like your biggest issues being the humane relocation of some troublesome swans and the way that lobsters are cooked in the local restaurant.