Category: politics

Race war still not happening

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After the recent hugely disappointing news that South Africa’s eagerly anticipated (by the press) Race War had been postponed due to a lack of protagonists sunshine, many people have been getting in touch with us here at 6000 miles… asking when exactly the rearranged date for the Race War is.
Well, I was heading out to buy a sandwich at the local Café Lacomia wondering what the best way of predicting the outbreak of the Race War would be, when I had an epiphany in that regard.
As you do.
The café in question is located in a branch of Builders Warehouse, a local chain of DIY/Gardening stores. If you are in the UK, you would probably be best comparing this to a B&Q.  

Of course, there are some local peculiarities: Builder Whorehouse has an extensive swimming pool section, B&Q doesn’t need one of them. The store also stocks pangas (pangae?) – better known worldwide as machetes. Considering there is heavy duty gardening to be done in the UK as well, I’m surprised that they’re not more popular over there, but they’re not.
Of course, the panga is also often noted as an African weapon of war and will be much in evidence on the darker side of the front lines when the Race War is eventually rescheduled.

         

Presumably, the paler guys will be armed with Black and Decker weedeaters which should present a formidable defence, Eskom willing. And as long as the little stringy bit doesn’t break too often. 

Either way, when the Race War comes about, there will obviously be a period of arming up before the actual fighting begins. And where better for your local Xhosa Warrior to buy his panga than Builders Warehouse, with its amazing No-Quibble Guarantee?

That’s where my “forearmed is forewarned” plan comes in:
The Builders Warehouse Panga Race War Prediction Index.

No, it’s not catchy and neither is the BWPRWPI acronym. It sounds a bit like a wet fart.
But it will work. Because right now, the local Builders Warehouse has a huge number of pangas (pangae?) in stock. Great for hacking back that dense bush or those Bloody Agents with White Tendencies.
And should that number drop suddenly and considerably, then I will bet that there will be trouble ahead. Thus, the BWPRWPI is measured as the percentage of pangae (pangas?) remaining in stock, using yesterday’s numbers as a benchmark of 100%. (Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on the weedeaters as well, just in case there’s a sudden and unexpected AWB uprising in Cape Town.)

Right now, the BWPRWPI remains steady at 100.
Which is bad news for Builders Warehouse, but wonderful for the Rainbow Nation.

The TMOMS T-shirt

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Every so often, I get a plea for advertising assistance that I am willing to assist with.
Look, I do turn down most of the dodgy ones: selling tickets to Jonah Fisher’s self esteem workshop: Don’t Just Walk Out, for example. Or anything to do with homeopathy, the Builders Warehouse panga sale or celebrity Afrikaans voices for your GPS etc.
OK, I might have done that last one. Ahem.

Then came a similar plea from a footballing buddy of mine. He has lived through many different challenges incuding chronic left-footedness and horrendous facial disfigurement, and now that I know him, to give him money isn’t charity: he gives me some knowledge, I buy him some shoes.

Anyway, he’s really hit the nail on the head with this little offering:
Yours for a teeny-weeny R80: The unofficial TMOMS T-shirt:

Shown here in red, very-quick-cellphone-pic option.
Please note: genuine article may be less pixelated.

Yes, you now have the opportunity to have Chris Maroleng’s infamous request emblazened across your ample chest. Many different shapes, sizes and colours are available. To get yours, simply email lawrence@polka.co.za with your preferred size and he’ll get back to you with the relevant colour options: red, black or bastard white. Mention 6000 miles… and you probably won’t get a discount, but I might get a Peroni next time I see him.

Everyone’s a winner wena.

Race War Postponed

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The Daily Maverick’s Phillip de Wet has been following events up in Ventersdorp as the funeral of the controversial AWB leader Eugene Terre’Blanche takes place.

The obvious intensity and gravity of the inflammatory situation there was summed up by his recent tweet:

While this may all be very amusing, since there has (touch wood) been no sign of any violence as yet, it is concerning that as the Highveld moves into winter and the dry season, these excuses for postponement may become fewer and further between.  

Or was this a poke at the sensationalist media which is camped out in the NorthWest, desperate for some action to sell some newspapers at whatever cost to the reputation of the country?

Please note that tickets for the Race War will still be valid when it is rescheduled. In the event that ticketholders cannot attend the revised date, a full refund will be offered by the outlet at which you purchased your ticket(s).

Touch me on my studio

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Much mirth and merriment in South Africa today as footage of André Visagie, Secretary General of the AWB, storming off the set of etv news does the rounds.

Alternative video source (starts at 0:31)

These sort of funny things are always happening on SA TV. Who could forget the unfortunate “Chairman” Nhlanhla Nene incident, for example? But while Mnr Visagie is (sadly) very much a South African entity, live broadcast bloopers can happen to anyone. Even the great Nicky Campbell. Twice.

It’s another embarrassing nail in the coffin of the AWB. Not only are their views disgustingly racist and outdated, their members are a laughing stock. And, as you’ll see, their bodyguards are nervously smiling weedy teenagers. Ooh. Scary.

There’s a meme going around the SA internet at the moment: “Don’t touch me on my studio”, but having reviewed this footage time and time again, it seems to me that the presenter, Chris Maroleng, is actually continually inviting Visagie to touch him on his studio. Thus, thanks to the grainy coverage, only two questions remain: where exactly is the Chris Maroleng’s studio? And why does he want André to touch him on it on live TV?

Kinky bugger.

UPDATE: And already: The Song.

UniteSA

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It seems that these days, all you have to do to get a blog campaign rolling is to stick a five letter word in front of ZA or SA and Bob is the maniacal leader of your neighbouring country. It’s almost tempted me into organising one myself, which would obviously be DrinkZA. I hear that others are considering FightZA, but I’m not subscribing to that.

One that I’m happy to put my name down for is UniteSA – organised by Rob Valentine – because I think that the more sane voices that speak out at the moment, the better and thus, I agree with all that he writes below (although I am hugely disappointed that he didn’t manage to get the word “hubris” in there anywhere).

South Africa stands at a crossroads – a time in which racial tensions run high and the attention of the world is focused on us. Neither the people of South Africa nor the country itself can afford to have negativity and irrational outbursts rule our daily lives.
 
To that end, UniteSA is an attempt to bring people from all corners of our nation together in a call for peace, calm and rational thought.
Various ministers have called for restraint as has President Zuma – certain organisations have chosen to use this time to push a political agenda and we appeal to them to allow the authorities the chance they need to resolve the issues.
 
We urge the people of South Africa to express faith in the police force and the justice system at this time.
We call upon the ANC to rein in Julius Malema appropriately and urge him to behave responsibly.
We call upon the AWB to continue to act responsibly after the death of Eugene Terre’Blanche.
We call upon the National Government to plan for protection of farmers as they worry about their futures.
We express our solidarity and empathy for those who have suffered because of crime and corruption in our country.
 
We are far stronger united than we are apart.
 
Blogroll 
http://blogs.timeslive.co.za/gatherer/
http://www.dreamfoundry.co.za/
http://www.6000.co.za
http://loveandpolitics.co.za
http://synapses.co.za
http://fsi.org.za
http://www.macgeek.co.za
http://www.futurechurch.co.za
http://www.robsramblings.co.za
http://antithesis.blognation.co.za
http://jhbprincess.blognation.co.za

As with any blog/social media campaign, the more noise that can be made about this, the better it will work. So please use the retweet button below as liberally as you can, visit the other blogs on the list and feel free to link to, copy or publicise this post as much as you like.

Oh – and before I go, please, please take the time to read Sipho Hlongwane’s column in the Daily Maverick on this issue, because it might just be the most accurate and most salient collection of words I have ever set eyes upon (outside this blog).
Simply brilliant.

And more: here from COPE’s Mosiuoa Lekota:

“If the ruling party continues on this path, then any disaster will be on their heads,” he said when asked about the potential explosive situation in the country.
Lekota condemned the ANC in general and Jacob Zuma in particular for not taking action against Julius Malema’s “kill the boer” song.
“I may be an African, but I feel uneasy when I hear these songs, because I feel somewhere somebody is encouraging young people to do these things… The government should take actions against anybody who says you must kill, even if it is in a song.”

A view echoed in part by Jacques Rousseau at his synapses.co.za blog.