RESPONSE TO MISLEADING COMMUNIQUE ON CENSUS 2011

Sorry for the shouting in the title above. The perils of cut and paste.

I thought that I’d share this info with my South African readers who may or may not (this being SA) be aware that the 2011 Census began today. And it seems that there may be some confusion over who will be dropping in at your house to hand over your census forms.

Since early August, a company called SMC (Security Management Consultants) has been circulating a communiqué giving information on what to expect from census officials. This communiqué is based on a document relating to the 2010 Census conducted by the US Census Bureau, and contains a number of misleading facts, which in no way relates to the census being conducted in South Africa.

Like I said – the perils of cut and paste… Anyway:

The company concerned has since retracted this document; however, as it is still in circulation, Stats SA would hereby like to inform the public what they should expect.
Stats SA, as a government department, is the only agency mandated to conduct the census, under the auspices of the Statistics Act (Act no 6 of 1999). Stats SA fieldworkers will be in your area from 10 – 31 October 2011, going door-to-door to conduct interviews.

Census officials can be identified as follows:

1) A yellow satchel with the Census and Stats SA logos
2) An A3-size book with a map of the area on the first page
3) A yellow bib with the Census and Stats SA logo
4) A black cap with the Stats SA logo
5) An ID card with a hologram of the Census 2011 logo (SA map with the words “You Count” below it).

These persons can be verified by calling 0800 110 248 or 080 236 787 2, which is toll-free from a landline.

They shouldn’t ask you for your ID number or banking details:

If anyone comes to your door claiming to be a census official and asks you for information such as your ID number, banking details, etc. they are not part of the census process and should be turned away immediately.

but they may ask you for your phone number:

Enumerators may ask you for your telephone number; this is for quality check purposes only e.g. if the questionnaire shows that there is a 5-year-old in your household with a PhD, it will be easier to contact the household telephonically than to do a physical return visit to the household.

They’ve obviously never met my genius 5-year-old son…

Additionally, you can keep up to date with the latest Census 2011 news on the web, on Facebook or on Twitter. They also have a “very useful” Know Your Fieldworker tool, which didn’t work for me.

Ten Years

I remember going and watching some comedy festival or other soon after I arrived in SA back in 2004. One of the British comics there was poking fun at the low cost of living here and the favourable exchange rate, tying it in to a sign he’d seen near Cape Town:

Please Do Not Feed The Baboons – Fine R500

The tale goes that the comedian felt sorry for the poor baboons not being fed and decided to throw them an impromptu tea party, which obviously proved extremely popular with the local primate population and was therefore well attended. When the authorities turned up, the Brit happily got out his wallet with the R500  “monopoly money” fine therein, only to be told that it was “R500… per baboon”.

Sure, it’s not funny when it’s explained – delivery is everything – but that “R500… per baboon” punchline has remained with my wife and I since that day and is used to describe those situations where the penalty or cost seems unusually harsh or high for any given situation.
And it would work very nicely here, with this warning that I spotted today on the side of an automatic pool cleaner (or “Kreepy Krauly“) box:

Yes, apparently: “In terms of the section 2 of the Import and Export Control Act of 1989 (Act 45 of 1983), it is illegal to export Automatic Pool Cleaners and parts thereof. Section 4 of the Act provides that anyone convicted of exporting Automatic Pool Cleaners and parts thereof may be sentenced to a 10 (ten) year term of imprisonment and a fine of R40 000 (forty thousand rand).”

Wow. Who knew?
Sure, drugs, stolen goods, money even – all have understandable restrictions on their import and export. But Automatic Pool Cleaners (and parts thereof)? Why?

I haven’t had a lot of sleep this week and it may be for that reason that I can’t come up with any good reason why this may be, save for maybe some businessman slipping a backhander to his mate in the Apartheid government in order to protect his local Automatic Pool Cleaner business from cheaper foreign imports. In addition, I really don’t have time to research this further today, so if anyone does have the genuine reason (or any suggestion) why this may be the case, please drop it into the comments below.

In the meantime, “Ten Years… per automatic pool cleaner”…?

The 6000 miles… Coldplay review

So, after months of waiting, last night was it. Me, Mrs 6k and 53,000-odd others seeing Coldplay at the Cape Town Stadium. I’ve done several concert reviews on here before and I’ve learnt that that people like the whole package, so let me share my experiences with you.

  • Don’t care for words, and just want pictures? Click here for my flickr set.

Parking: New plan – I decided to park in the CTICC car park. Choose the P1 parking and you’ll pay a flat rate of R30 for the evening, your car will be safe and secure and you’ll be just a 5 minute walk from the goodness of the Civic Centre end of the free Civic Centre – Stadium shuttle. Add to that the benefit of a direct exit onto the elevated freeway (N1/N2) and suddenly you’ll wonder why on earth you ever parked anywhere else. Brilliant.

The Fan Walk: Mrs 6k had never done the Fan Walk and I hadn’t done it since the Bafana v USA game last November, so I was more than happy to take her along and share the experience with her. But what a disappointment. There was no entertainment, no food stalls (this could have been a big issue: I was getting hungry and you wouldn’t like me when I’m hungry), no nothing.
So let’s be honest here, this isn’t a “Fan Walk”. This isn’t something that Cape Town should market as a unique selling point; this a road that has been closed to allow people to get to the stadium. Just like roads near stadiums are functionally closed each and every week worldwide.
Move along please. Absolutely nothing to see here. Hugely disappointing.

Food: Peri-peri chicken burgers and Bratwurst rolls at Giovanni’s in Green Point. Winning.

The Stadium: I love this stadium. I love coming to this stadium. I love being at this stadium. But last night there was a worrying lack of security and organisation outside. Somehow, while there were huge queues to get to some turnstiles, there were no queues to get to others. This prompted anger and – eventually – a potentially dangerous situation of a fence being uprooted and hundreds of people pouring through to get to the shorter queues. Not good. There weren’t enough event staff to manage the situation – were they not expecting a big crowd? – and that meant that people got through without having their bags searched. Which is no big deal as long as they haven’t got anything nasty in there, but it shouldn’t happen.
One other issue: the new City health drive meant that there were no refreshment facilities on the third tier. Therefore, you could pre-emptively work off the calories from your food and drink by having to carry it up the 6 floors to your seat.
Thanks Patricia. I feel thinner already. You should give it a go, pet.
Otherwise, I love this stadium. I love coming to this stadium. I love being at this stadium.
Did I mention that?
Oh – and jumping ahead – after the gig, the new longer, wider queuing system for the bus station was brilliant and has effectively removed the crush which has ensued after every other event. It shows that the city is watching and learning and that gives me hope after those two negatives above.

Right – time for some music.

The Support: The Parlotones came on, sang some songs and went off. It was a completely bland, ordinary and eminently forgettable performance that deserves nothing more than utter indifference in reaction.
The one benefit was that now I have seen them (again), I feel fully justified in my opinion that they have stagnated, offered nothing new or exciting for years and never lived up to their initial promise.
Those who wish to disagree can disagree. But I have no idea why you would.

Coldplay: The Main Event. Bizarrely, the band came onto the stage following a full volume, full length rendition of Jay-Z’s 99 Problems (But A Bitch Ain’t One) on the PA. I have absolutely no explanation for this. Did Gwyneth even come with?
Anyway, this was the first concert that I’ve ever been to where I was sitting way back and not bouncing in the Golden Circle. But then, Coldplay are one of those bands whose anthems mean that they are perfect for these big arena gigs. The experience is brilliant for everyone throughout the stadium. Or so I thought.
I was wrong. For the entire performance, I couldn’t get away from the fact that I was watching a concert, not being at a concert. The sound was good (better than U2 according to those around me who had been at U2), although the spoken bits between songs were often hard to pick up. The light show was fantastic and I don’t think it would have been as spectacular from ground level.
They began with the energetic Mylo Xyloto, moved onto Hurts Like Heaven – both of which were powerful enough to get the fans going (assisted by the release of some big balloons), despite being new tracks – and then hit us with Yellow, which still holds its own almost 12 years on. In My Place was the first quiet number and – once again – I was struck by the lack of concert etiquette in SA as it was drowned out by people chatting throughout (see my reviews on James Blunt, REM, Spandau Ballet etc etc etc). We didn’t get The Hardest Part last night, which I would have liked as I think is one of their best songs live – but given the overall volume of the track, perhaps that was a good thing.
I fear greatly for the upcoming Tori Amos gig…

Paradise, Lost and Violet Hill were also good, although the audience seemed to lose interest for a while during God Put A Smile On Your Face.
However, The Scientist was well received – especially the change in the lyrics: “Come up to Cape Town, tell you I’m sorry, you don’t know how lovely you are” – but sadly ruined by the biltong salesman trying to flog stuff while Chris Martin was taking us “back to CHIPPIES!! CHIPPIES!! DROEWORS!! the start”. These guys are great for football matches, great for rugby games, but really shouldn’t come to concerts.

And then the band came down for a pseudo jamming session on the pier at the front of the stage, which – for those of us at the back – really was a bit rubbish. The acoustic version of Shiver, from the Parachutes album seemed dangerously unrehearsed, held together with experience rather than practice and I, for one, was glad when they returned to the main stage for Viva la Vida and Politik, the latter of which was, again, disrespectfully ignored by the majority of those around us.

Ninety minutes in, Chris thanked us all and disappeared (and so did a few hundred people from the stands – why do they do that??).
The encore was impressive, as you might expect with those anthems: Clocks and Fix You. If Chris Martin doesn’t like the fans singing along with him, he hides it well. Cheeky grins abounded when the entire crowd launched into “Lights will guide you home…” – it was the highlight of the evening for me.
The lasers were back as they finished with the upbeat Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall, complete with numerous fireworks and it was a strong finish to what was – overall – a bit of a disappointing evening.

I marked it at 6.5/10 (Mrs 6k gave it a 5!), which I rounded up to 7 on my Facebook status last night and which was still received with gasps of incredulity and demands for an explanation. Much of that low mark  could probably be put down to our seating position in 327 – which I really didn’t enjoy: I didn’t feel part of the gig at all and there’s actually very limited fun for me in paying R365 to watch thousands of strangers enjoying themselves. I’ve learnt my lesson – from now on, these sort of concerts will be Golden Circle or not at all.

But sadly for Coldplay and me, that knowledge has come too late to save last night.

Portside: Going up!

Construction of what will be Cape Town’s tallest building at 150m and 34 floors, Portside, has begun.

You’ve been able to read about it here for ages, but now, thanks to the webcam of (very) local resident Wannabe Bond, you can watch it too.

I have it on good authority (his) that he’s doing some behind the scenes timelapse stuff as well. Awesome!

Please give him some traffic as some small recompense for building noise of the next 4 years and the loss of his beautiful view of the stadium and (more importantly?) the Fireman’s Arms.