And lo, it came to pass that I was left at home with two children to bath and put to bed because Mrs 6k had gone out partying. Which shouldn’t really be a problem, because Mrs 6k has single-handedly bathed and bedded the kids on a number of occasions and is full of helpful hints and tips.
Here’s how it goes:
- Bath child 1 (3 years old) while child 2 (10 months old) crawls lovingly around your feet in the bathroom.
- Dress child 1 for bed, plonk in parents’ bed in front of Cbeebies.
- Bath child 2, dress child 2 for bed, give child 2 bottle, put child 2 in cot.
- Put child 1 to bed.
Simple, ne?
And here’s what actually happened. Note that I have written this in the third person as my therapist advised me this morning that this way, I may be able to forget it more quickly. PammieJane may want to look away at this point.
The Prologue:
- Child 1 decided to forgo his lunchtime nap in favour of running around the house and shouting a lot.
- It is now approaching 7pm and child 1 is extremely tired and irritable.
- “Toothpaste”, child 1’s Eminem doll, has gone missing and it’s the end of the world.
The Main Act
Part 1:
- “Toothpaste” is successfully located and reunited with child 1. Child 1 stops crying for 18 seconds.
- Child 1 does not want to get in the bath. Child 1 is placed in the bath and is not happy about it.
- Child 2 crawls face-first into the bathroom wall and begins to cry.
- Loving father comforts child 2. Child 1 defaecates in the bath.
- Child 1 is removed from bath, the mess is sorted out and the bath re-run.
- Child 1 does not want to get in the bath. Child 1 is placed in the bath and is not happy about it.
- Child 1 is washed, removed from the bath and dried.
- Child 1 is now so tired that he is crying because he doesn’t know why he’s crying.
- Child 1 is clad in PJ’s and told to go into Mommy and Daddy’s room.
- Child 1 starts crying because he can’t get into the bed: “It’s too messy”.
- Loving father agrees, removes heap of wife’s clothes from the bed onto the floor.
- Loving father removes child 2 from beneath heap of wife’s clothes on the floor.
Part 2:
- Child 2 does not want to get undressed. Child 2 is undressed and is not happy about it.
- Loving father hears blood-curdling scream from child 1. Loving father’s blood curdles.
- Loving father runs through into bedroom, mentally planning route to ER with naked child 2 in his arms.
- Child 1 is aghast: wants to know why Jake from the Tweenies is wearing those shoes.
- Loving father takes a very deep breath, counts to 10 and takes child 2 to the bath.
- Child 2 does not want to get in the bath. Child 2 is placed in the bath and is not happy about it.
- Child 2 is washed, removed from the bath and dried.
- Child 2 wants to get in the bath. Child 2 is not allowed to get in the bath and is not happy about it.
- Child 1 has apparently banged his head on his teddy bear and is crying again.
- Child 2 is clothed, bottled and plonked happily in her cot.
Part 3:
- Loving father picks up child 1 and takes him to his own bed.
- Child 1 cries because he wants to watch Charlie & Lola.
- Loving father gives in before child 1’s crying wakes child 2 and lets child 1 watch Charlie & Lola.
- Child 1 cries because he doesn’t want to watch Charlie & Lola.
- Loving father picks up child 1 and takes him to his own bed.
- Loving father switches light off and heads downstairs.
- Loving father cries over a large glass of Vrede & Lust Cara (2003).
The Epilogue:
- Both children awoken by thunderstorm 20 minutes later.
Of course, even if I could, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Especially the wine.
