Single parent bathing

And lo, it came to pass that I was left at home with two children to bath and put to bed because Mrs 6k had gone out partying. Which shouldn’t really be a problem, because Mrs 6k has single-handedly bathed and bedded the kids on a number of occasions and is full of helpful hints and tips.
Here’s how it goes:

  • Bath child 1 (3 years old) while child 2 (10 months old) crawls lovingly around your feet in the bathroom.
  • Dress child 1 for bed, plonk in parents’ bed in front of Cbeebies.
  • Bath child 2, dress child 2 for bed, give child 2 bottle, put child 2 in cot.
  • Put child 1 to bed.

Simple, ne?

And here’s what actually happened. Note that I have written this in the third person as my therapist advised me this morning that this way, I may be able to forget it more quickly. PammieJane may want to look away at this point.

The Prologue:

  • Child 1 decided to forgo his lunchtime nap in favour of running around the house and shouting a lot.
  • It is now approaching 7pm and child 1 is extremely tired and irritable.
  • “Toothpaste”, child 1’s Eminem doll, has gone missing and it’s the end of the world.

The Main Act
Part 1:

  • “Toothpaste” is successfully located and reunited with child 1. Child 1 stops crying for 18 seconds.
  • Child 1 does not want to get in the bath. Child 1 is placed in the bath and is not happy about it.
  • Child 2 crawls face-first into the bathroom wall and begins to cry.
  • Loving father comforts child 2. Child 1 defaecates in the bath.
  • Child 1 is removed from bath, the mess is sorted out and the bath re-run.
  • Child 1 does not want to get in the bath. Child 1 is placed in the bath and is not happy about it.
  • Child 1 is washed, removed from the bath and dried.
  • Child 1 is now so tired that he is crying because he doesn’t know why he’s crying.
  • Child 1 is clad in PJ’s and told to go into Mommy and Daddy’s room.
  • Child 1 starts crying because he can’t get into the bed: “It’s too messy”.
  • Loving father agrees, removes heap of wife’s clothes from the bed onto the floor.
  • Loving father removes child 2 from beneath heap of wife’s clothes on the floor.

Part 2:

  • Child 2 does not want to get undressed. Child 2 is undressed and is not happy about it.
  • Loving father hears blood-curdling scream from child 1. Loving father’s blood curdles.
  • Loving father runs through into bedroom, mentally planning route to ER with naked child 2 in his arms.
  • Child 1 is aghast: wants to know why Jake from the Tweenies is wearing those shoes.
  • Loving father takes a very deep breath, counts to 10 and takes child 2 to the bath.
  • Child 2 does not want to get in the bath. Child 2 is placed in the bath and is not happy about it.
  • Child 2 is washed, removed from the bath and dried.
  • Child 2 wants to get in the bath. Child 2 is not allowed to get in the bath and is not happy about it.
  • Child 1 has apparently banged his head on his teddy bear and is crying again.
  • Child 2 is clothed, bottled and plonked happily in her cot.

Part 3:

  • Loving father picks up child 1 and takes him to his own bed.
  • Child 1 cries because he wants to watch Charlie & Lola.
  • Loving father gives in before child 1’s crying wakes child 2 and lets child 1 watch Charlie & Lola.
  • Child 1 cries because he doesn’t want to watch Charlie & Lola.
  • Loving father picks up child 1 and takes him to his own bed.
  • Loving father switches light off and heads downstairs.
  • Loving father cries over a large glass of Vrede & Lust Cara (2003).

The Epilogue:

  • Both children awoken by thunderstorm 20 minutes later.

Of course, even if I could, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Especially the wine.

27 thoughts on “Single parent bathing

  1. Hmm. Perhaps next time just skip the bathing. Dirt is good for kids.

    Your wife will never know… until kid one informs her of course!

    po´s last blog post was: Confusing. (Note: 6000 miles… is not responsible for the content of external internet sites)

  2. Jpd > I like to look on the bright side. The 2003 Cara is good, but after that, it tastes excellent!

    Po > He would have been too tired to remember. I like your thinking.

  3. (Giggling hysterically) Thank God it’s not only me!! My family is normal after all… or something!

  4. I had to read it out loud to Shaun…we had such a laugh…its funny when somebody else can picture your life to such detail…have you been watching us by any chance???

  5. Nixgrim > It would be a mistake to compare my family to yours and then feel any sort of sense of relief.

    S&V > I think it happens to all of us. I just choose to write it down.

  6. Funnily enough, I had the same story last night when Mrs Delboy went out. Except that my child 2 is 16 months old and quite happy to bath with child 1.

    The catch came when I went to turn on the stove (I also had to feed the kids). When I returned to the bathroom 23 seconds later, the floor was 2 inches deep in water and I caught child 2 red-handed with a small scoop in hand with child 1 egging her on!

    The joy of parenthood.

    According to Jerry Seinfeld: “There is no such thing as ‘fun for the whole family’.”

    Delboy´s last blog post was: The install (Note: 6000 miles… is not responsible for the content of external internet sites)

  7. fjiaoejwfioqcj eeeeeeqrioroqwuioeqwru382q5uIOQWRU jgoeiqigenawogn igec jeiowrjqwioenmfiow

    Sorry, I stupidly avoided the warning and passed out on my keyboard!
    I think I am going to have to take away the most important part of the story – before thinking of having kids make sure the wine collection is WELL STOCKED!!!!

    Ordinarylife´s last blog post was: Fired for Facebook status! (Note: 6000 miles… is not responsible for the content of external internet sites)

  8. Emil > Drinking red wine? It does.

    DelBoy > Mine are still too young to leave on their own in the bath. Love the Seinfeld quote.

    OL > Meh – you’ll be fine. Possibly.

  9. 6,000 – You just need to get used to all of those things. I have 3 children and raising them alone was also difficult. I know you can handle them smoothly although it might take a few months to be able to do it. No worries no matter how difficult and challenging that is, at the end of the day it’s still fulfilling.

  10. Kudos. I have to say, that was actually a rather successful bath. You ended up with both children bathed and in bed BEFORE you ran towards the wine. That’s success in my book.

    I’m serious.

  11. Nicki > The bit about the wine?

    Cath > Yeah, but as I recall, I needed a stiff double Klippies before I dared even start.

  12. The whole thing. The whole thing is GREAT. But the wine part is especially fantastic. Good job Dad. You all lived to tell this tale.

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