Best Currency Converter

There are a lot of online currency converters and most of them are wholly depressing if you live in South Africa and you’re paid in Rands. Fortunately, this one that I’ve found doesn’t convert one appallingly weak currency to another, much stronger, currency and make you cry. It converts Pounds to size – and weight. Hugely useful for drug dealers. I chucked in £100 (about 3g of Charlie in London) in £1 coins to see how it got on:


It’s a spin-off of a German Euro-calculating site, so please excuse ze langvich, and also the assumption that you have a handbag, ja?

From there, it was time to knock up the value to One Bar and have a look at £50 notes and 1p coins (the Samsung method of payment of choice).

It turns out that £1,000,000 in £50 notes would be 2.66m high and weigh 24.2kg. Surprisingly little, I thought, and thus I was concerned by their suggestion that:

With 2 strong men, this weight still can be transported well.

That’s 12.1kg for each strong man. TWELVE POINT ONE. HOWEVER WILL THEY MANAGE???!!!!?!?!?!?
What’s going on here? Is there a problem with the general musculature of German men? Can anyone please explain?

We move on. A million squids in penny coins. Let’s do this…

£1,000,000 in 1p coins would weigh a massive 365 tonnes (“For transportation, you should already have a fleet of trucks” – fair enough this time) and a single stack of coins would stretch 165km into the sky. I’ve been doing some rudimentary calculations and I reckon that a tower of penny coins worth £3 million would endanger the International Space Station. Golly.

We need someone to do this (make a calculator, not endanger the ISS) for South African currency. I can’t imagine that it would be very difficult for someone with even a basic knowledge of coding.

Get to it, readers.

Just another ANCYL press release

I swear, you can’t make this sort of thing up. But someone does.
This one goes out to all those overseas people who will think that it was me that made it up.

First came this, from ANCYL President Julius Malema at the pre-opening party of the ZAR nightclub in Cape Town:

Helen Zille will not close ZAR at 2am, like she does to other clubs in Cape Town. The ANC owns ZAR and we will party until the morning.

Then came the rebuke from ANC Secretary General Gwede Mantashe here:

The ANC would like to state categorically that it has no interest in running a nightclub or in endorsing its owners. The ANC is not into nightclubs or partying, it is a revolutionary movement.
We reiterate our condemnation of serving sushi on a woman’s body, as this act is anti-ANC and anti-revolutionary. This act is defamatory, insensitive and undermining of woman’s integrity.

How many other political parties worldwide have had to distance themselves from the practice of running nightclubs and serving raw fish on a woman’s body? They may have back-tracked on tuition fees, but I don’t think the Tories or the LibDems ever have.
Look, to be honest, Saddam Hussein was a pretty nasty bloke if those stories are to be believed, but at no point did his Ba’ath party ever have to tell us that they’d checked their party manual and they weren’t able to condone snacks being eaten from a half-naked model’s belly button.
It’s these sort of things that keep politics interesting in SA.

But it gets better, because then the ANCYL released this re-rebuke and slight retraction in reply to the earlier rebuke from Mantashe.

And it’s this one which for me contains one of the best lines in any press release ever:

We further do not agree with serving of any kind of food on human bodies and have in expressed this sentiment publicly in the past. This should however not undermine and rubbish that successful, young black entrepreneurs are breaking new ground and engaging in efforts that will lead to greater social relations across racial lines.

Brilliant. See how they’ve gone beyond sushi to include any kind of food? See how they’ve gone beyond women to include any kind of human? Sure – they’ll still happily scoff prawn sashimi off the head of a well-trained Jack Russell terrier, but they’re not going to even so much as touch a vol-au-vent that’s been on some bloke’s knee.

Of course, the only issue with that blanket ban on foodstuffs being served on human platters is that apparently, successful, young black entrepreneurs were kind of relying on the whole eating sushi from half-naked (and presumably white) models in order to improve social relations across racial lines.

Now they’re going to have to, y’know, talk to them and stuff – and this without the “you’ve got bits of maki roll on your bikini top, pet” icebreaker. Can’t the elders in the ANC see how this is going to set back social relations across racial lines for years to come?

The party’s stance on the serving of sushi from women’s bodies to successful, young black entrepreneurs and the effect that it may have on greater social relations across racial lines must, must be top priority at the next ANC Conference.

The future of our country depends upon it, Comrade.