Organisers of the J&B Met Fashion Parade today announced that horses were to be phased out of the event over the next two years. Horses have been an integral part of the glitzy annual show, held in Kenilworth, Cape Town since 1883, but management have now decreed that they are supplementary to requirements and will be removed completely from the event ahead of the 2014 show.
“This decision will make so many people happy,” stated event director Tyrone Perfect. “Horses are such sweaty, smelly animals and don’t fit well with our vision for the Met of the future. Last year, there was almost an incident when the bold colours and abstract shapes of a rather avant garde – but totally fabulous outfit – scared one of the animals in the parade ring. I mean, thank heavens that no-one was injured, but we felt that it was a sign that haute couture and horses simply don’t mix. One of them simply had to go, and there’s simply no way that we could lose the fabulous fashion, darling. Simply no way.”
Indeed, when we surveyed prospective guests, the decision seemed to be popular. “It’s a good idea. No-one watches the racing. And it’ll mean more time and space for getting drunk and leering at drunk girls in short dresses,” said failed student Aaron Castlelite, while Met veteran Edith Cougar agreed: “Back when I first went to the Met in the 50s, we used to marvel the power and the muscle of those magnificent beasts, but since they let the native men in, there’s so much more to enjoy than the horses.”
Betting manager Roy Cash had only been made aware of the decision earlier in the day and was yet to hear of exactly it would affect his staff. “Obviously, I want to protect the livelihood of my business and the jobs of my workers and although I’ve seen nothing on paper yet, Tyrone has told me that instead of betting at the Met, once the horses have gone, the plan is to just get the punters to give us a few hundred Rand each – cut out the middle man, as it were. That way, we can guarantee our profits and remove the ongoing problem of smug bastards who get lucky and then claim that they actually knew what they were doing.”
Perfect was anxious to promote the advantages of the proposed changes: “The Met is all simply about breaking down barriers and that’s literally what we’ll be doing in 2014 – taking down those ugly white railings for good. We’ll have more space for more people and more marquees with arrogant bar staff serving overpriced cocktails and we can also expand on our competitions like Best Dressed Man, Best Dressed Woman, Best Dressed Couple, Best Dressed Group and Best Dressed Event Director. Hello!
Oh and also, we’re going to pilot a project this year where we try and find someone who actually paid for a Met entry ticket and then we’re going to put them on stage and openly ridicule them. Believe me, it will be simply fabulous.”
The 2012 J&B Met is on at Kenilworth Racecourse this Saturday 28th January.