Horses To Be Banned From Fashion Show “By 2014”

Organisers of the J&B Met Fashion Parade today announced that horses were to be phased out of the event over the next two years. Horses have been an integral part of the glitzy annual show, held in Kenilworth, Cape Town since 1883, but management have now decreed that they are supplementary to requirements and will be removed completely from the event ahead of the 2014 show.

“This decision will make so many people happy,” stated event director Tyrone Perfect. “Horses are such sweaty, smelly animals and don’t fit well with our vision for the Met of the future. Last year, there was almost an incident when the bold colours and abstract shapes of a rather avant garde – but totally fabulous outfit – scared one of the animals in the parade ring. I mean, thank heavens that no-one was injured, but we felt that it was a sign that haute couture and horses simply don’t mix. One of them simply had to go, and there’s simply no way that we could lose the fabulous fashion, darling. Simply no way.”

Indeed, when we surveyed prospective guests, the decision seemed to be popular. “It’s a good idea. No-one watches the racing. And it’ll mean more time and space for getting drunk and leering at drunk girls in short dresses,” said failed student Aaron Castlelite, while Met veteran Edith Cougar agreed: “Back when I first went to the Met in the 50s, we used to marvel the power and the muscle of those magnificent beasts, but since they let the native men in, there’s so much more to enjoy than the horses.”

Betting manager Roy Cash had only been made aware of the decision earlier in the day and was yet to hear of exactly it would affect his staff. “Obviously, I want to protect the livelihood of my business and the jobs of my workers and although I’ve seen nothing on paper yet,  Tyrone has told me that instead of betting at the Met, once the horses have gone, the plan is to just get the punters to give us a few hundred Rand each – cut out the middle man, as it were. That way, we can guarantee our profits and remove the ongoing problem of smug bastards who get lucky and then claim that they actually knew what they were doing.”

Perfect was anxious to promote the advantages of the proposed changes: “The Met is all simply about breaking down barriers and that’s literally what we’ll be doing in 2014 – taking down those ugly white railings for good. We’ll have more space for more people and more marquees with arrogant bar staff serving overpriced cocktails and we can also expand on our competitions like Best Dressed Man, Best Dressed Woman, Best Dressed Couple, Best Dressed Group and Best Dressed Event Director. Hello!
Oh and also, we’re going to pilot a project this year where we try and find someone who actually paid for a Met entry ticket and then we’re going to put them on stage and openly ridicule them. Believe me, it will be simply fabulous.”

The 2012 J&B Met is on at Kenilworth Racecourse this Saturday 28th January.

Muse in Cape Town

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a while now.

Are you going to see Muse in Cape Town on 24th March?
You’re not?
Oh, it must be me then.

So goes a variation on a very old Dale Collins joke. And no, it wasn’t really very funny when he did it either.

I can’t recall being more excited about a concert since Glastonbury 2003. And I might not even have been this excited then. I am literally quivering with mounting anticipation. TTypingg iss a problemm.
I think that Muse* are probably the last big band in my “want to see them, but haven’t yet” category. Well, them and the Arctic Monkeys, but Arctic Monkeyism only really took off long after I left the UK. I’ve been wanting to see Muse for ~10 years now, but we (Muse and I) never got together. In leaving the UK, I thought I’d probably blown any chance of ever seeing them (or anyone even half decent).

In truth, Muse aren’t even topping the bill at the My Coke Fest concert.
In truth, there’s a whole lot of detritus to sit through before they come on, but I guess that I can tick a few more bands off the list (and I am looking forward to seeing Kaiser Chiefs).
In truth, although you are probably envisioning a backdrop of Table Mountain with Matt Bellamy giving it some welly up front on Hysteria, it’s more likely to be power cuts and the slightly less romantic backdrop of Rondebosch East, (which will also have a power cut).  
And in truth, although “Muse in Cape Town” sounds like the title of one of those ads for outlandishly expensive concert trips in the back of Melody Maker or Q magazine, it’s actually more a case of “Muse just at the end of our road”.
But that doesn’t sound nearly as cool.

So if you’ll forgive me – I’m going to milk this one for all its worth.
Right back at you, Ms Perry. *wink*

* Some great live downloads available here.