Heading back home to Cape Town today. There’s an end of year footy dinner to get to.
What a weekend. I came, I saw, I conquered. OK, maybe not completely on the last one, but there was some braai’ing.
And I’m sure that counts.
Of course, that’s the English translation of the words allegedly used by Julius Caesar to describe his swift victory at the Battle of Zela in 47 BC – a powerful boast of military prowess – a simple overview of what he saw as a quick, decisive and effortless triumph.
It’s Latin. It’s not Greek.
So you can’t just chuck some Greek letters into it in an effort to make yourself (or your limb) look intelligent.
That just won’t work.
See?
Who knows what actually happened on the 5th of February (ok, ok, or the 2nd of May) 2003?
All we do know is that it was something big enough for someone to repeat the ancient Roman phrase of military conquest:
Vspph, Vphdph, Vphcph!
Which is probably what JC would have sounded like if he’d been talking through a rather thick scarf.
Well, more like “Rand Rand banknoot, almal”, but still.
Inflation being what it is, and the economy being what it is, people are always on the lookout for ways to earn a bit of extra cash. Especially in South Africa.
Thankfully, I’ve seen a couple of adverts for sure-fire money-making schemes, firstly in Cape Town:
Where son of iconic British TV character, Claude Jeremiah Greengrass…
…is clearly raking it in.
And then in local economic powerhouse Johannesbeagle:
…which you can tell is the place with all the money because they apparently have R2200 bank notes up there. With a disapproving Celtic spinster from the 1910s on them.
They’re such trendsetters in Gauteng.
Having clicked through (only on the Cape Town one, obviously – I’m not about to fall for a dodgy image like the Joburg one clearly is), I can say that the initiation of the process of “earning this way” has been flawless so far.
All I’ve had to do is send off R1500 to an unknown bank account, and they’ll get back to me with all the details. Then I sit back in my car, put on about – checks image again – about 50kg (or maybe more) and grow a grey beard, and Bob is my rich uncle.
I’ll keep you informed of how things are going – probably from my yacht or something.
No-one ever reads the bits at the beginning and end of your emails. And yet, if you don’t include them, suddenly the whole thing suddenly sounds a bit rude and impersonal. That’s because email conventions have led to us expecting to see alleged “courtesy”, even when we don’t acknowledge it because everyone is absolutely aware that it’s only ever included for etiquette purposes.
If only there were a way of saving valuable time on the completely unnecessary – and yet also absolutely necessary – fake courtesy.
Hang on a second!
Brilliant. And I really love the fact that it occasionally makes a typo as well. It makes it seem all the more human, when it patently – isn’t.
An excellent analogue for the actual line which it is typing.
Not Sheffield United (although we are), but us. Away with friends for a long weekend out towards the Klein Karoo.
It’s a remote farmhouse up in the hills that I visited with other friends about 18 months ago. That was a lot of fun, and I’m looking forward to another great weekend away.
There is no cell signal (which is awesome), but there is wifi, which is also awesome.
Still… you know me. I’m not taking any chances with the upcoming 14 year (eish!) blog post history, and so I’ll be popping some pre-written stuff up.
Usual rules apply for this sort of thing: it’s not my fault if the posts fail to mention or acknowledge any sort of nuclear disaster or terrorist attack that has happened since I wrote them. I’m not a fortune teller. And also, obviously follow my IG for any images of our beautiful surroundings. And also, I might post some “live” stuff while I’m there: I sometimes do more than one post a day. No rules against that.
See you again tomorrow (but actually only on Tuesday).
Olive Chili Tapenade – I’m glad that this said “chili”, because I wasn’t 100% sure. A salty, smoked olive tapenade with just the slightest hint of heat, allowing that full olive roundness to work its way through your mouth. Needs something suitably bland to give it a decent partner – I’d pair this one with some boerekaas and some crusty sourdough. 7/10, because it’s far more olive than chili (which might seem unfair, but I’m more of a chili fan than an olive fan).
Plasma – this is in the 4 sauce caddy with the Hot Sauce mentioned in the second link above. And it’s described as Hot to Very Hot. And this one was very warm. It’s not plasma like you get in the blood, it’s clearly named after the ultra high temperature state of matter of ionised atoms. With good reason. There are two more sauces in that set. I’m slightly scared. 8/10, but only in very small amounts.
Garlic Pesto – I’m presuming that this is it. It’s the closest that I can find. This one had its work cut out. I’m not a fan of garlic (overt garlic, at least) or pesto. But actually, this had an almost p…p…p…prego feel to it. Not too garlicky, not too hot, tonnes (both metric and imperial) of smokiness, and actually really palatable. 7/10 (amazing considering the nomenclature).
Cowboy Candy – Not the long-awaited Netflix spin-off of Brokeback Mountain. It’s this. Yes, yes, yes! I LOVED this. Definitely my favourite so far. The Cowboy is a rich, smoky BBQ style sauce with big pieces of jalapeno; the Candy is the chunks of smoked pineapple offering a tangy, almost electric buzz around your tastebuds. This disappeared all too quickly. I’ll be arranging my post-advent order around a large jar of this and then heading home via the local World of Cheese store. 10/10 would recommend.
“Peaches” – Sounds innocuous enough. Actually not innocuous at all. NOT ONE BIT!
Ingredients: Habanero Peppers, Carolina Reaper Peppers, Peach, Vinegar, Salt, Spices. Warning: Extremely Hot! Handle with care. Use sparingly and avoid contact with eyes or sensitive skin. Keep out of reach of children.
Absolutely lethal.
And actually quite sore at first, but given 5 minutes and a glass of milk, a more gentle, ongoing burn persists. The peach is probably there – there’s a hint of sweetness from somewhere. But wow. This is serious stuff. Maybe too much for me? 2/10 until I understood what was going on there (there was no warning with the advent calendar vial). But as a hot sauce (a very hot sauce), I’ll give it a full 9/10. Heat. Much, much heat. The longevity of the burn is quite something…
Caribbean Ghost – I can’t find this on the website, but I was at least able to take some heed of the second half of the name and not do anything foolish. Yes, the usual smoked chili – I’m understanding that an advent calendar is very unusual way to go through this sauces, which are largely tweaks around the same base, and that you’d usually just choose a favourite and stick with it – but HOT and with a rampant fruity component.
Mango. Citrus. Something else?
This one might be another that’s a bit too spicy for me, but the tanginess of the fruit is very enjoyable in the background. 7/10.
There will now be a(nother) short break in chili sauce reviews – watch this space for more news and – next week – more tales of spicy sauces. T&Cs apply.
