We can tell just about exactly where the local building work has got to by which brands of plastic wrapper we’re finding in our back garden.
The roof is done (using Marley roofing membrane), the electrics are going in (Voltex), and it looks like the bathrooms are well on their way (Cobra – a classic choice).

And after the excitement of the Pole Vault this week, we’re being treated to a new sport, which – given that breakdancing has made it to the Olympics this time around – I can only imagine we might see (or… er… hear) in LA in 2028.

Unintelligible Shouting.

I’m not exactly sure of the intricacies of the laws of this new sport, but given that we have experts in the field working next door at the moment, I have gathered at least some knowledge of how it works.

Points are clearly awarded in the commonly used Artistic Impression and Technical Merit categories, much like its sister sport, Synchronised Artistic Swimming. But unlike the swimmers, it’s not about getting your collective leg over together, but more on the volume, raucousness and lack of coherence in your presented piece.

And the competition is pretty tough.

Earlier, we enjoyed endured a 45 second long spiel of what was likely some request for a part or tool. But this was a request which came out in one single string, apparently without breathing or punctuation. It was scored highly from that point of view, but honestly, you’d have to be there or fairly nearby to hear it, which really let the whole thing down; and the judges will rightly dock points for that sort of oversight at this level.

Step forward competitor number two – appropriately enough working on one of the bathrooms. Utilising the echo of the presumably newly plastered walls, he belted out… something… so loudly that the person on the other end of my phone call asked if everything was ok. And I was inside our house at the time.
But again, concentrating too hard on one single aspect of the performance was a rookie error: he got a reply to whatever he was asking, and the officials were quick to jump on that, asserting that if a reasonable reply could be given, then whatever was asked – while obviously ridiculously loud – was also clearly comprehensible.

And with a couple of the others out of the way, the pre-event favourite (who I have to say sounded pretty much like competitor number two again), stepped in and swept through to the gold medal position. Ostensibly addressing someone in the same room, the volume was actually offensive, prompting nods of both pain and approval from the assessors. And the judging panel were further favourably impressed by the fact that not only were they unsure of what language he was using, they were also at odds as to whether he was, in fact, singing. The use of intensity, pitch and general slurring earned a remarkable 96.74% overall, and I think we can all agree that a score like that is unlikely to be beaten.

Please.

This project is four months in now, and running long overdue. Thankfully, (and I think this is perfectly clear from my ramblings above), I don’t believe that it’s had any effect on my sanity at all.