The end is naai

Always wanted to use that phrase (which will mean a lot more to local readers than to anyone elsewhere). But yes, its death knell is sounding, it has one foot in the grave, it is moribund and it is clearly no longer pining for the fjords.

What is it?

Padel. Padel is what it is.

About two years ago, some sage bloke wrote a rather witty and perhaps not ever so kind piece about the this sport, which ended with the lines:

Thankfully, it won’t be around for long.
Please remember to recycle your bat on the way out.

And golly gosh, it seems like he was right. The time has come and the fad has passed.

The Daily Maverick told us last week of the upcoming complete over-saturation of the padel market and the inevitable crash that will… er… inevitably follow. Because there are lessons to be learned from those who came before SA:

Trends come and go, and a look at international markets may hold some clues for eager padel investors. In Sweden, which was once a padel pioneer, the market is now struggling with oversaturation. As a result, Swedish giant We Are Padel is applying for corporate restructuring and may have to close half of its 80 venues.

South Africa is following exactly the same trajectory as Sweden did, and look what’s happening here now:

Although the early adopters of padel were cashing in, paying off their courts within a year thanks to their 70% occupancy rates, things have shifted. Most South African padel courts now operate at just 30% to 50% occupancy, according to Roger Barrow, general manager of the Padel Building Company.

And with fewer people playing – and therefore paying – and even more courts appearing:

Virgin Active Padel Club, already home to 65 courts, plans to push that number to nearly 100 by mid-2025

it’s surely only a matter of time before the bottom drops out of the market.

Oh no.

Hey, and to add to those woes, there’s the sudden appearance of Pickleball.

Looks like you came to the wrong neighbourhood, motherfunster.

Pickleball is another sport that shit tennis players can try to play to help them forget just how bad they are at tennis.
But I won’t be joining them because (contrary to popular belief) I’m not an septuagenarian living in a Florida retirement complex.

Yet.

Anyway, Pickleball is seen as “a market disruptor” (for translation, see this post), and probably the only thing that will keep local Padel players from defecting is the fact that Pickleball is crazily accessible to many more of the economic demographics, unlike the rather elite and aloof Padel, which for starters, has to be played in a huge aquarium.

Either way, though. It’s clear that the end is indeed naai, Padel naaiers.

Hate to say I told you so.

Not for me, volume 7: Padel

I’ve never been into trendy things that are trendy because they’re trendy.

Trendy things that are trendy because they are good or useful – sure. Solar power would be a great example of that, right now.
But if you are just doing something trendy solely to be trendy – well, that’s not for me.

Step forward padel: the latest trendy thing to hit the monied white people of South Africa.
In Cape Town, you may have seen Mountain Biking fill this niche. And then there were E-Bikes.
Remember the Tim Noakes Cookbook?
How about Hot Yoga?
Fedoras.
EMS BodyTec fitness.
Crapft Beer (or Gin).
There are many, many examples.

Padel is a cross between beach bats, tennis, pickleball and squash, and it is EVER so trendy right now. And it’s almost exclusively in that demographic that I have mentioned above.

I have friends who play padel. But it’s not for me. And I feel that that decision was vindicated when I saw the (hastily built, always full) local courts being used by at least two gentlemen wearing fedoras.
Case rested. That’s not sporting gear, that’s trendy for the sake of being trendy gear.

They’d probably ridden there on their E-Bikes.

And then I was served this ball-achingly awful ad on Facebook for Padel bats padels, which just sums up the whole thing:

So many issues here.

seventy-Four different Examples of Capitalisation. Never a good Start.

Released on 23 February, but “designed to celebrate the holiday season”? Which holiday season, exactly? Shrove Tuesday?
And “a little pre-taste of the summer collection”? Mate – this is the Southern Hemisphere. On the 23rd February, summer is less than a week from being over.
How pre-taste do you want this? 9 months?

Variate is a noun, not a verb.

“wintery Smoke Pine Greens” – absolutely ideal for a little pre-taste of the summer collection.

As an aside: never smoke a pine, by the way:

“When considering total emissions, particulate matter from smoldering pine wood and needles was by far the most mutagenic of the samples assessed, and thus potentially more carcinogenic.”

Mutagenicity and Lung Toxicity of Smoldering vs. Flaming Emissions from Various Biomass Fuels: Implications for Health Effects from Wildland Fires

And then the weird elevation of “a papaya smoothie” as some sort of aspirational goal for the hue of sporting equipment.

But after that, well, they’re just taking the piss, aren’t they?

Our Collection continues to draw its inspiration from Sci-Fi movies translating the current world we’re living in, where people spend their time between the physical world and the virtual metaverse.

I don’t even know what that means.

I love a good Sci-Fi movie translating the current world (we’re living in).

But no, the people you are trying to appeal to are spending their time between the padel court and the next occasion they go to the padel court. This intermediate time is spent in the physical world, describing their last padel game and arranging their next one.

No-one is spending any time in the virtual metaverse, because:

the “metaverse” is a hypothetical iteration of the Internet as a single, universal, and immersive virtual world that is facilitated by the use of virtual reality and augmented reality headsets.

And no, I don’t know if you can play padel there.

As with many of these fads, padel will last for a while (durations of these things vary) while shrewd individuals and companies pivot and invest to make a quick (and big) buck (e.g. Osaka’s [above] domain is actually osakahockey dot co dot za, but that old curved wooden stick staple is nowhere near as trendy and money-spinning as padel) and will then die out.

But with the equipment (padel, racquet, ugh… whatever) starting at a few thousand Rands for a bit of moulded plastic:

…it’s clearly for the few, not the many.

Thankfully, it won’t be around for long.

Please remember to recycle your bat on the way out.