It’s getting serious over there

We recently mentioned the seagull issue in the UK here. (And we’ve mentioned them here before that.)

But since that post a few weeks back, things have stepped up a bit in the seagull vs human warzone that is the British Isles. There was another attack in Aberdeenshire:

Rushed to hospital by her lash technician, Selina, no less:

“We sat there until the bleeding stopped, and then Selina looked at it and said I’d better go to hospital to get it seen to, especially with it being a seagull.”

Yep. Normal head wounds can just be left to heal naturally, but always remember that an injury inflicted by any one of the Big Three in the UK (Seagull, Hedgehog, Mountain Hare) should definitely be checked out by a medically-trained professional as soon as possible.

But the humans are striking back. Literally in one case in Liverpool, where a man “holding a bottle in one hand”, bashed a baby seagull to death by smacking its head against a bin.

In this particular instance, “may hold important information about the incident” means that he was caught on camera actually doing the incident.

Seagulls may be an issue in the UK, but there’s really no need for this sort of pre-emptive strike on a youngster. But this is Liverpool and the natives do behave (and speak) rather oddly from time to time. Presumably, there will be a minute’s silence and black armbands for the baby gull at all of the home games involving the local football teams, because they’ve always got to grieve something on Merseyside.

Up in Northumberland, both sides have taken a different approach to this whole conflict. In this case, a gull was kidnapped from the street outside a Wetherspoon’s pub (of course), but got its own back on its abductor, by flying around her house for the whole night while having actual bird flu.

“I don’t even know what made me pick him up. I put him in my sitting room with a blanket. When I woke up in the morning, I’d forgotten and he was just floating around the sitting room,” she said.

After taking the seagull to a local vet, Ms Punton was told it had tested positive for bird flu.

“I felt sick and bleached my whole house,” she said.

You’d think that was it for recent human/seagull interactions, but you’d be wrong. It’s an absolute war of attrition and aggression, and both sides continue to be attritive and aggressive.

In Hastings, there was another unprovoked attack on an aging gentleman:

A man was left bloodied after being attacked by a seagull as he walked out of his partner’s home.
Phil Marshall said moments after he left the address in Earl Street, Hastings, on Wednesday, the bird swooped down from the roof and scratched him on the head.
A retired Home Office dog handler, Mr Marshall said: “I can handle 45kg of German Shepherd but obviously not seagulls.”

Yeah, I mean, 45kg German Shepherds don’t generally hang around on your local rooftop before diving down claws first at your head, do they?

Thank goodness.

It’s interesting that the animal charities are aware of these cases, but do nothing to try to prevent them, other than suggesting that people “use an umbrella” when walking near seagulls. And yet, when a human fights back, they’re straight in there. Almost like traitors to their species.

A seagull was kicked to death after “taking fish off a plate” outside a chippy in Gwynedd. RSPCA Cymru said they were investigating after the gull died on Marine Parade in Barmouth on Monday, August 4.

Reading the report, I think that “kicked to death” is doing a lot of hard yards here.

Again, I’m not advocating animal cruelty at all, but this was a raid on £12 worth – that’s almost R300! – of quality fish, and the headline makes it sound like there was a sustained beating of the bird, whereas what actually happened was one – apparently well-aimed – kick in immediate retaliation:

After being kicked, the gull struck a parked car, before dying.

Honestly, I’m amazed that the RSPCA haven’t stepped in to check if the car was legally parked.

We’re told that these gulls are somewhat intelligent birds, and so if other gulls were witness to this brief, yet fatal, skirmish, maybe that will put them off trying to steal fish from peoples’ plates when there is a whole sea full of piscine delights literally just across the road.

I’m just saying once again, that if you make your bed then you must lie in it.
Can you imagine if a person wandered around Hout Bay stealing fish off people’s plates outside Snoekies? They would fully expect – and deserve – to get a slap or two. And yet we’re expected to just let the seagulls get away with it?

It’s not happening, tjommie. Want to try and steal some of my battered hake?
Bird or bloke: expect to get battered yourself.

The conflict continues.

Pathetic fish and chips

BIG NEWS from Liverpool: the most pathetic serving of fish and chips ever has been served there. And it’s made it as far as (one of) the overly desperate national newspapers.

Furious diner Tina Doherty was stunned when her order arrived and was made up of just SIX chips.

No wonder she was furious. That’s a pathetic number of chips.

Tina had gone out for dinner with her husband, Kevin, and two friends to the Jolly Miller in Liverpool after a night out bowling.

The pals had ordered ordered their main meals – two hunter’s chickens and two portions of fish and chips – which they chose off the two for £10 menu.

It sounds like the evening had got off to a great start. Nothing to see here, folks.
And Tina and Kevin and their friends were looking forward to rounding it off with some decent food at the pub on the way home when disaster struck.

However when the server handed Tina, 53, her meal she couldn’t quite believe she had been given just SIX CHIPS with her fish and peas.

No wonder she was furious. That’s a pathetic number of chips.

(I may have mentioned this before.)

Care worker Tina, from Aintree, sent a picture of the pitiful portion to her husband who told her she should complain.

Well, he would. He’s from Liverpool.
But wait. What?
Why didn’t he just look at what was on a table in front of him?

Husband Kevin, 60, said: “She sent the picture on Whatsapp and I must admit I laughed. I was at home with our son and daughter and we were just sitting down to our man-sized portions of curried prawns, rice and real homemade chips.”

Oh. Were you now, Kevin? And where else were your son and daughter? Were they also at the Jolly Miller with their mum? Or perhaps they were in another local establishment which also serves miniscule portions?
How were you in two places at once, Kevin? Are you a twin? Mind you, this story suggests that if you are, then you are called Kevin and Kevin and that’s going to get confusing from a very early age. And are you both her husband? I’m not sure that’s 100% legal. Even on Merseyside. And we all know what they’re like there.

Kevin (the one at home) (or actually maybe the other one) (I really have no idea which one is talking anymore) continues:

I don’t know how anyone could justify or explain that as a portion of chips.

Justify or explain? Rice and real homemade chips? Kevin at the pub and Kevin at home?
There’s something very duplicitous and tautological about you and your mysterious ways, Kevins. And he (they) goes (go) on:

It looks like a toddler’s meal and even they would be able to polish off more than five chips.

Well that’s ok, isn’t it, lads? Because there were six chips. I’m happy to admit that it’s a pathetic number of chips. I already have, twice (once for each of you). But it’s still more than five chips.
Any other chip-based comparisons you’d like to make?

You wouldn’t even have enough to put on a butty with that portion.

No, Kevins. You wouldn’t. Are we done now, because I have other stuff I need to get d…

Kevin, who works for Jaguar Land Rover, also joked that maybe the Jolly Miller was “aware of the pending interest rate rise” the day after the meal was served on Wednesday – so cut its portions down.

Actually, just shut up now, Kevins, you pointless, double starch-consuming, potato-portion calculating, conspiracy-theorising, crap joke-making waste of a Scouse doppelganger.
I’ve had enough of you, you, your wife and this stupid story now.

More tomorrow. Not including pathetic chips or anyone called Kevin. Or Kevin.