A statue has appeared on the rocks on Cape Town’s Atlantic Seaboard and the local newspaper and residents are getting unduly excited about it.
Statue
Alien. Tribute. Mime artist. Religious statement. Mummy. A gift from God.
These are just some of the suggestions offered by baffled onlookers as to what could be gracing rocks beyond Camps Bay Beach.
A large white statue, in the form of a man with his hands outstretched, has for the past few days stood on the rocks just outside the Twelve Apostles Hotel and Spa in Victoria Road near Oudekraal.
Let’s take a closer look at those possible options, shall we?
Alien: Completely plausible. A little disappointing after all these years of waiting to find that visitors from another world have finally made first contact and then instantly frozen, arms outstretched, on a rock just off the South African coast, but you can’t have everything, now can you?
Tribute: What? This was a newspaper reporter interviewing you about the weird statue on the rocks there, not your psychiatrist asking you to say the first word that comes into your head when he says “Björn Again”. Idiot.
Mime artist: Er… it’s been there since Tuesday. David Blaine might try a stunt like that, but there would be a million cameras and paramedics there. And me, throwing rocks at him. Therefore, I’m putting this one down as unlikely.
Religious statement: Again, I find myself a little confused by this suggestion. But then, I find myself a little confused by religion.
Mummy: Doesn’t look like my mummy. And sure, this is Africa, but we’re about as far from Egypt as you can be and still be in Africa. No.
A gift from God: Brilliant. This must be it. And it’s just what we always wanted. Yes, this lovely white bloke on some rocks near the sea more than makes up for the misery of famine and disease across the continent, war and attrition in the Middle East, global warming, that tsunami he sent down a few years back and Gordon Brown. We should be writing our thank you notes right away.
Of course, this rampant speculation could all be avoided if only the local hotel’s financial controller, Heather Blackie, had seen a statue on top of a car as she was driving home on Tuesday. But wait! Read on!! What’s this????
The hotel’s financial controller, Heather Blackie, saw a statue on top of a car as she was driving home on Tuesday.
And then, the moment when readers realise that Heather Blackie should have been a detective, rather than a financial controller:
Blackie said she didn’t think anything of it at the time, but when she saw the statue out on the rocks she made the connection.
It must have been a moment of pure genius. Enlightenment. An Epiphany, appropriately enough.
You can almost see/hear/smell the cogs grinding away in Heather’s brain.
Strange white statue on rocks… Oh Christ, did I leave a note for the maid about the ironing?… Strange white statue looks similar to the strange white statue I saw on top of that car on Tuesday… I wonder if there’s any chocolate in my handbag?… Hang on! Maybe it’s the same statue!… Oh cool – 3 squares of Fruit & Nut – and not too fluffy… [sounds of chocolate being devoured]
The local authorities aren’t happy though:
Paul Sieben, head of Table Mountain National Parks marine division said permission had not been given to place any structure on the rocks, about 300 metres from the road.
If permission had been sought for it, it wouldn’t have been granted, Sieben said. Any structure proposed for below the high-level mark needed to be subject to a complete environmental impact assessment.
Paul – are you forgetting that this is a gift from God? Lest we forget, he is omnipresent and omnipotent. He can do magic. He can even override the need for a complete environmental impact assessment. But he does it without paying the committee shedloads of cash, unlike like everyone else.
But I have to leave the final words on this fantastic figurine, this rock-bound riddle, this… this… “strange white statue” (thanks, Heather), to Bernard Schaefer, Camps Bay resident (and member of it’s community policing forum): Noting that the rocks on which the statue stands are completely surrounded by water, he deduced, Blackie-style:
Someone with a boat must have done it.
Brilliant, Bernard. Mental agility such as yours cannot be quantified by the lowly means which we possess on this planet. We are truly not worthy.
Did you put it there? Are you God in disguise? But with a boat?
Frik that whole thing sound like something out of You magazine. I was going with aliens but I think it was really Paul. Note how he makes cunning use of stern “authoritah” to make you think he would never dream of doing it.
Po´s last blog post was: Round like a circle in a spiral like a wheel within a wheel (Note: 6000 miles… is not responsible for the content of external internet sites)
Lol. Read a headline about it yesterday and wondered what that was about.
Most of these Capetonians are so spaced out that a mystery statue is sure to cause this sort of commotion. I can already see it – at the next full moon hundreds of Kaapies will make their way to Camps, picnic basket, beer & champagne in hand & camp out as the sun sets, simply to see it do so over the statue. They will have high-powered cameras on tripods, headlamps & hubbly bubblies & they will strum their guitars & write poetry about it.
In other places people would look at it once then forget it was there.
I say it was the journalists – no news to sensationalise so they had to make stuff up?
Ordinarylife´s last blog post was: I need a new route (Note: 6000 miles… is not responsible for the content of external internet sites)
Oh this is brilliant!! Made my day reading it! Alas I’m in Durbs, so I can’t scuttle along to pay homage to the “strange white statue”, (which in itself is a great disapointment to me), but perhaps someone should think of starting a religious sect based on this myserious appearance. Flowing white robes, attoning being achieved by spending hours motionless, statue like… Hell, this sounds like a business opportunity! Maybe I should consider moving to CT! But then again, I may not be able to compete with the razor sharp minds of the likes of Helen and Bernhard.
I don’t know why it,s there, or who put it there.
and don’t really care.
I like it though, and hope it stays.
Hilarious! At first I thought it was the statue of Christ from Rio de Janeiro that had escaped to these lonely rocks of yours!
Silly me! It’s obviously an act of God – or failing that, a very large statue made of white chocolate that will soon begin to melt…
Lady Fi´s last blog post was: The smell of Christmas (Note: 6000 miles… is not responsible for the content of external internet sites)
I can’t believe god is so cheap to have left such a tiny little statue.
It would have been a great publicity stunt though…
Hmm…
Yes…
It’s there because of us. It’s part of my new marketing plan and stuff. Yes.
Goblin´s last blog post was: The Friday Thing (Note: 6000 miles… is not responsible for the content of external internet sites)
That it has been abducted, cryogenically frozen and dumped there as proof of panspermia, sounds completely plausible.
Emil´s last blog post was: Moenie vergeet nie (Note: 6000 miles… is not responsible for the content of external internet sites)
Initially I suspected it may be Michael Jackson…But then I realised it wasn’t nearly white enough! Lets hope it isn’t white chocolate..Poor Paul will be in a frothy about the environmental impact all that melting chocolate will have
Juat had an sms to say it has now vanished.. Spooky!
Mustve been chocolate after all…simply melted away
Po – I don’t do YOU magazine.
Diva – You’re not from round these parts, are you?
OL – They didn’t do a very good job of it, then.
Colin – None of us can compete with Heather and Bernhard. BTW – does anyone want to drop Heather a note on Facebook to tell her she’s famous? Thx.
CG – It was you, wasn’t it?
Lady Fi – Our own little Christ the Redeemer. Wonderful.
Goblin – Too late to claim responsibility, I’m afraid.
Emil – 😀
Colin – MJ – could be – white enough and looks quite sickly.
Darkwing – WTF? Do you have spies in Oudekraal or something?
Colin – Nah – high tide. 😉
At the hotel. Yes!!
DW – OK – next question… why?? 😉
Can you get your spy to get the message to Carol, please? Cheers! 😉
Carol?
DW – No. Don’t give it to Carol. She works at a different hotel. Jeez – if I had a brain, I’d be dangerous.
Of course, I meant Heather, the 12A’s financial whizz and SAPS keenest brain.
Hmmm, I’m wondering if there will be a sudden appearance of a mysterious white statue in Durban next. I have an office with a view of the Rocks in Umhlanga and I keep straining my less than 20/20 vision to see if I can see anything. I suspect, as in “The Day the Earth stood still”, this may be a global phenomenon..It’s a sigh I tell you! It’s a sign! The Aliens are coming!
The missus?
Colin – Ice cream would melt instantly in KZN. And white is so not cool there, anyway.
DW – Not my missus. In fact – according to Facebook, not anyone’s missus. But I digress.
Cool. My spy says she speaks ‘northern like’ so thought it might be a relation.. hehe
DW – ‘northern like’ – love it! (Or does that just mean she’s from Upington?)
Well if Upington is a suburb of “the beating heart of Britain’s industrial north” 😉
My moneys on a Monkey Hanger.. Might explain the statue.. lol
DW – Or a Mackem. That would explain why the statue’s been nicked.
Why Aye Man..
Was it just one of the Apostles from the hotel just gone walkabout for a few days…did anyone do a headcount at the hotel…1,2,…9, 10, 11 Apostles…hang on a minute…
Ant – Best answer yet!
It’s definitely aliens. They’ve been over here too, breaking one of the vanes off a wind turbine.
I found it disappointing that the aliens could navigate across space only to hit a wind turbine when they got here …
Ro´s last blog post was: HNT #35: Learning to Write (Note: 6000 miles… is not responsible for the content of external internet sites)
Ro – I saw that. And I thought the same. Hell of a way to come just to crash into a windmill. I wonder what “bugger” is in Martian?
I hear on reliable authority that Martians are hermaphroditic.
There is therefore no direct translation for “bugger”.
Nor some other very common English terms.
Apparently…
I did not fail to notice that Keith won a Golden Globe. That fact, of course, has absolutely nothing to do with this post – or perhaps only the alien bit.
Emil´s last blog post was: Screaming Eagle Award for January 2009 (Note: 6000 miles… is not responsible for the content of external internet sites)
Oh dear… someone mentioned Keith! That weird woman will be back soon, shaking her fists and telling you to go f*ck yourself – or should that be Emil? 😛
So, have any of you Kaapies solved the statue mystery yet?? 🙂
Helga Hansen´s last blog post was: i Listen to… (Note: 6000 miles… is not responsible for the content of external internet sites)
With the infamous Toyah lisp running through my head.
It’s a Mystery, It’s a Mystery 😉
http://www.capeargus.co.za/?fSectionId=3571&fArticleId=vn20090109063714687C393677
Mystery Solved!!
http://www.capetimes.co.za/?fSectionId=&fArticleId=vn20090113052931550C781877
How terribly mundane. I suspect it’s a Government cover up, and that aliens in fact have landed. Our very own Area 51….Or would that be “Distrik 51”?
I read this yesterday and was in hysterics. People are just stupid, okay. Your sarcasm touches my soul though, deeply.
I’m still around btw, reading you through my reader, still no access at work other than google and banking. Sorry for me.
SheBee´s last blog post was: I’m annoyed, yo. Annoyed & Impatient! (Note: 6000 miles… is not responsible for the content of external internet sites)
I am the mastermind, anybody got mysteries that need solving, I am the missus! PS: It was mint not Fruit & Nut.
Detective > I think you are in the wrong business, Heather!
I just dropped you an email!