Ugh. This sort of thing is ALWAYS happening…
(But I have a feline you’re going to like this one.)
Big news in from Meyerton – or should I say “Meowerton”? lol (I shouldn’t) – in Gauteng this morning, where some suspects have escaped from police custody by shapeshifting into cats.
Wait. What?
Hey. Don’t knock it. This was an excellent choice of animal to shapeshift into: quick, agile, and – crucially – small enough to get through the bars which would have detained them when they were in human form. These are sensible criminals, not like the ones involved in that embarrassing “the suspects shapeshifted into hippos” incident in Limpopo earlier this year.
Pfft. Amateurs.
The suspects, brothers Omari and Ali Mustafa, were among 11 suspects who were arrested for possession of hijacked good.
Ah yes, hijacked good. The now higher overall bad ratio being why this country continues to struggle.
No-one ever hijacks poor or terrible or even mediocre. Just think of what a great place the world would be if those things were stolen and taken away from us.
But no, it’s always good that gets nicked.
Omari has since been rearrested, while his brother remains on the run.
I note here, with some concern, the lack of detail as to whether Omari was in cat or human form when he was rearrested. And yes, of course it matters. Are you taking a whole police van and some handcuffs or just a crate, a tin of Lucky Star pilchards and someone going “pspspspspsps!” to the arrest scene?
But I digress. Often.
How did this whole thing transpire? If only there was a witness statement.
Gosh!
When it was a turn to charge this other [two] suspects, known as Mustafa Ali and Omari Mustafa, their names were called but they couldn’t be found. Among those suspects, there is a suspect known as Erick Tumbulu – who informed the police that he saw when these two suspects made a strange like owl bird noise, turned into cats and they escaped while the gate was still locked.
There’s the line-up, here’s the pitch:
“He said that you made an owl noise.”
“Who?”
Thank you very much. I’m here all week. Try the veal.
But anyway. Back to Meyerton:
The officer who wrote the statement said that on his arrival, he personally – together with Warrant Officer Maloka – went to the cells to take a headcount.
Standard. I’m now left wondering why any further investigation needs to happen here.
11 suspects in cell. Owl bird noise. Two suspects turn into cats and leave. 9 suspects left in cell.
Case closed as far as I can see. Pub. A quick Black Label and home before the footy.
But wait…
Because a senior police officer has had their say on the matter (don’t they always [rolls eyes]). On condition of anonymity, of course. And that’s probably not because their view might get them into trouble with their employers. It’s probably because they said this:
It was very suspicious that the suspects waited to arrive at the police holding cells before they could turn into cats.
OK. You’d know the usual practice here better than me.
That’s if they even became cats, because I that suspect someone was paid for their unlawful release.
OMG WTF BBQ!!!
You mean… this whole “they turned into cats” thing was just an elaborate ruse to throw us off the scent of what might actually have happened here?
Huge if true.
Why would Erick have said that they turned into cats? And what about the owl bird noise? Was that bit real? I did a whole joke on that.
I’ve reviewed several (or more) very dull legal documents and I’m still not even sure that escape from custody by shapeshifting into a cat is even against the law. It’s certainly not directly mentioned anywhere that I could see.
What precautions have they taken to ensure that Omari doesn’t shapeshift into a cat to try and escape again? Plastic fencing over the prison bars? Lavender and pepper sprayed around the exits? Or simply a guy on guard with a laser pointer to distract him as he tries to leave the custody suite?
I do hope that lessons have been learned.
Never change, South Africa.