david sedaris

Yesterday evening, I was randomly reminded of this post from December 2019: just BTV in South Africa (officially, anyway).

It was a truly odd thing to read back then (as I think I ably explained at the time), but since other world events [gestures wildly around] since that day, it’s taken on a whole new meaning. Because:

“When was the last time you touched a monkey?”

was a really creepy and wholly off-putting chat-up line 2½ years ago. Now, it sounds like more of a basic risk assessment. And weirdly, because of that, also a great deal more reasonable question to ask.

In context, of course.

So it’s not that I’m suggesting you approach anyone anywhere and question them about their recent history regarding simian contact, but if the topic of monkeys was to come up in an otherwise normal conversation, then just checking out how recently they had touched a monkey could assist you in making some smart decisions about a) whether the conversation should continue further, and b) if so, at what sort of distance.

So yes, there are probably more potential positives – one – to this question now than there were back in December 2019, but I would definitely still refrain from even considering this as any sort of ice breaker in a social setting.

Not a euphemism. Or maybe it is? It came from this facebook advert.

I’m sorry? Again?

I met this woman one time. And I said, “When was the last time you touched a monkey?” And she said, “Oh, can you smell it on me?”
That’s the kind of moment you can create when you learn how to be really interested in other people and how to observe the world around you.

No, that’s the kind of moment you can create when you meet a woman who smells of monkey. But that’s a rather brave question to ask unless there’s more evidence than just a mild simian whiff about her. Perhaps she’s working in the monkey section of the local zoo or wildlife park and is wearing the uniform thereof. Safer, sure, but then it’s still completely pointless, given that the answer will likely be “about 10 minutes ago” or something similar.

Neither of these scenarios are moments I would want to create.
That is not a suitable opening line to use when approaching anyone of any gender. It’s not even a suitable opening line to use when approaching a monkey.

And how are you some sort of expert on what monkeys smell like anyway, David? Do you perhaps work in the monkey section of the local zoo or wildlife park? But then, if you do, perhaps the odour in question emanates from you, rather than the woman you just met. Have you considered this?

I think David needs a MasterClass in something. Something psychiatric.
And I think Facebook needs to stop showing me stuff like this.

Tag: david sedaris

Remember this? You wouldn’t do it now.

When was the last time you touched a monkey?