I was making plans for a Heritage Day braai on Wednesday, but honestly, what’s the point when the world is going to end tomorrow?
And it’s a South African pastor who has predicted it:
“The rapture is upon us, whether you are ready or not,” exclaimed Pastor Joshua Mhlakela. “God took me to see the future… and there in heaven, in the throne room, I see Jesus sitting… and I could hear him very loud and clear saying, ‘I am coming soon.’”
It sounds like maybe Mhlakela got there just after Mrs God had shouted that dinner was ready or something, I don’t know.
But much like all the other times that the world has been ending for religious (rather than thermonuclear war) reasons, this also won’t happen and there will be some quick goalpost moving, some pathetic explanation trotted out for the pathetically gullible, and we’ll all move on again – until next time.
Just remember to get your loyalty card stamped.
Of course, not only has organised religion been deeply involved in this sort of nonsense for many years, this time, it’s also all been fuelled and amplified by that highest of intellectual forums: TikTok.
Obviously, if it does happen (which it clearly won’t), I’m going to look a bit silly, but that’s a chance that I am willing to take. And if you look at what the Bible says will precede the big day (and you’re willing to tweak the words a bit and put a bit of spin on it), then you can absolutely see why some people genuinely think that Pastor Mhlakela might have got it spot on. War, famine, earthquakes (at a stretch) and widespread abandonment of the church.
And actually, maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. We humans do seem to be insistent on destroying the planet (and each other) as best we can. You can see why the Big Guy Upstairs might choose now to pull the plug.
But honestly, if all the insufferable Christians get beamed up, maybe the world would be a better place.
And if we can stretch it out to Wednesday, then I can paraphrase Matthew 24:40-42:
“Two men will be braai’ing together in the garden; one will be taken, the other left. Two women will be sorting the salads inside; one will be taken, the other left. So you, too, must keep watch! For you don’t know what time your Lord is coming, and whether He’s going to arrive late with a whole frozen spatchcocked chicken.”
The worst braai guest.
See you tomorrow. And see you Wednesday, too.
Really, I will.