Whites want Zuma in now!

In an extraordinary show of solidarity with ANC President Jacob Zuma, a poll today* suggests that a huge number of white South Africans want JZ to become President of the country as soon as possible. While this may come as a surprise to many political analysts, there is a very simple explanation: pronunciation.

It seems that many white South Africans have become used to having a president who has an easily pronounceable name, like Nelson Mandela or Thabo Mbeki. The suggestion that Kgalema Motlanthe is being lined up as acting president following Mbeki’s resignation has caused widespread concern amongst paler Saffers.

My wife asked me who was replacing Mbeki and by the time I’d told her, she needed to wash her face and hair. Look, he’s a great guy and all, but I just can’t do a K followed by a G without spitting. In retrospect, I suppose it didn’t help that I was eating a boerie roll at the time.

It was originally thought that the speaker of Parliament, Baleka Mbete, would act as stand-in President until the election next year. And that seemingly wouldn’t have been a problem for most whities:

You can just mutter the surname and then you look all knowledgeable. No-one is going to hear the difference between Mbeki and Mbete after a few beers if you say it quickly and quietly.

Other potential contenders for the post, such as Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka (“Phumzile” to the whities) and Nkosozana Dlamini-Zuma (“That Zuma woman”) would have caused equal difficulties for white tongues.

What we need now is for Zuma to call an election as soon as possible. And then get elected. We don’t care about his policies. Frankly, it’s just embarrassing not being able to say the name of your country’s leader without covering the everyone surrounding area in saliva.
A Zuma presidency can save us from that.

In related news, ambulance service ER24 has also made an urgent appeal to Zuma and the ANC to sort out the presidential vacuum as quickly as possible, as it was hampering their triage routine in head injury cases. Spokesperson Daniel van Wyk** explained:

When our staff attend an incident in which there has been a head injury, they assess the level of  consciousness of the casualty using three simple questions: what their name is, what day is it and who the president of the country is. The current lack of a president is causing our staff difficulties and causing perfectly healthy patients to panic, as they think they are actually much more badly injured than they really are.

More later, sports fans!

* which I just made up.
** more make believe.

15 thoughts on “Whites want Zuma in now!

  1. Excellent 🙂

    Although I can claim with some joy that I have no problem pronouncing the names at all. What is critical for me is that our next pres. should be able to pronounce their own name.

  2. I miss the Blades Watch banner from the previous site.

    Will just have to make a comment about the bitter sweet week they are having.
    30 Million payout by West Ham potentially on the way, but a 6-0 drubbing by a bunch of North London school kids last night (granted most of the side aren’t English, but anyways).

  3. Delboy told me to come have a look. Happy he did! Excellent piece. The other advantage of Zuma being President is that he reminds us of the sound we hear when our economy falls. A mix between Zoom and Laduma.

    Angry African´s last blog post was: Don’t bitch about Bush – you got Zuma (Note: 6000 miles… is not responsible for the content of external internet sites)

  4. I wonder how many whites are going to confuse Jay Zee with Jay-Z? Do they still have that Toyota advert that goes “Zoom, zoom, zoom”? We could change it and say “Zum, Zum, Zuma”!! 😛

    Helga Hansen´s last blog post was: Farewell To Another Great (Note: 6000 miles… is not responsible for the content of external internet sites)

  5. Watch the new prez’s speech last night, he actually looks like a president, Zuma on the other hand looks like someone who hands out rubber necklaces.Wanting Zuma as prez is not my wish. I was an official at the first election, and witnessed the corruption on voting day, I voted that year and never again. Next year I am going to vote again and against this politically challenged air head

  6. MistA B » Whatever Zuma may be, he is certainly not a “politically challenged air head”. I’m glad that you’re going to vote – evidently, you don’t think that JZ is going to rig the election then.

  7. 😀

    The double problem with Kgalema Motlanth is that *neither* of his names are easily pronouncable (to me anyway!)

    Oh well. At least we don’t have a Ncebisi Mqalo for president!! Then a coup would be in order 🙂 Or parhaps mandatory Xhosa lessons for the nation!

    Laura´s last blog post was: Five Questions: Your responses (Note: 6000 miles… is not responsible for the content of external internet sites)

  8. Funny and true. These last few weeks I’ve been avoiding him in posts altogether; I just go with “the new president” and hope I sound blase :~\

    zenbiscuit´s last blog post was: Just in case… (Note: 6000 miles… is not responsible for the content of external internet sites)

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