Landing wholly unsolicited in my inbox, a link to this page.

A page upon which a well respected – award winning even – local coffee house asks for your financial support. Have they perhaps fallen upon hard times? Doubtful, given the prices they charge. Do they want to somehow support some local charity initiative? Well, no. They want to build a new Brew Bar. Let’s have a look at their plans, shall we?

But first, the intro:

We are TRUTH. Coffee Roasting. 

We opened in 2009 and are currently located at 36 Buitenkant Street in Cape Town, South Africa.
Our cafe has won multiple international awards from newspapers including The Guardian and The Telegraph UK , who have identified it as the best in the world. Our cafe features a steampunk design and is truly one of a kind.

Ta, and indeed, Dah. Well done.

And now the reasoning behind their appeal:

As our roastery has developed, and our new product development team has blossomed, so has our need to adopt and perfect new brewing methods (think Aeropress, Drip Coffee, Cold Brew, Nitrous, etc).

Well, not really. Because “need” is a rather strong word. In fact, “choice” might fit better here. You wanted to do something different, and that’s great. But the world would have kept on turning if you’d not “blossomed” a “Nitrous” brewing method. We’re only into the first paragraph here and you’re already getting ideas above your station. This does not bode well.

This process is amongst the most exciting endeavours underway here at Truth, and we need a platform to share this project with you! After all, the overall goal is to provide ever better customer experience!

“We need a platform” = “We want some money”.
But fair play, you can’t fault that overall goal.

We do this through a brew bar. We can invite you into our developments, allowing you to broaden your caffeinated horizons and curiosities, and allowing us to streamline our processes in a way more appreciative of your wants and desires.

Woah, dude! Step back from the drug-addled, buzzword-infused marketing thesaurus and just look at that last sentence again.
What does that even mean? (No-one knows what it means, but it’s provocative.)
“Better customer experience” was just fine. The decision to then fling that perfectly reasonable phrase into your patented Jargonator™ was a massive and wholly unforced error. And the results are nothing short of a 33-word disaster. Honestly. Check yourself before you wre… oh wait.. too late.

We need R550,000!

The Best Coffee Shop In The World is crowdfunding for $40,000? Right.

At Truth we believe in quality above all else. To build something joyfully extraordinary requires time, passion and importantly, the right funding. We do not do things half-assed. We are going to build a brew bar that will truly be one of a kind.

It’s a lovely idea. Why can’t you fund it yourself?

We don’t want to give too much away, but here are some key words. Think pneumatics, hydraulics, levitation, aeronautics and of course, steampunk. 

Just for the record, aeronautics is defined as “the science or art involved with the study, design, and manufacturing of air flight capable machines, and the techniques of operating aircraft and rockets within the atmosphere”.

And levitation is “the process by which an object is held aloft, without mechanical support, in a stable position”.

Sure. Absolutely no exaggeration. Just magic at work.
Nothing to see here (that hasn’t already been seen at Hogwart’s).

You will step through a gate, onto a private platform, with your own personal barista and party, the gate will shut behind you and the entire brew bar will levitate, taking you and your friends/family into a private space, overlooking our cafe, but providing a distinctly private experience.

Ugh. “Levitate” again?

But OK. Glad you haven’t given too much away there.
No. You’ve given basically all of it away. It’s a table on a mechanical jack, isn’t it?
I take that “lovely idea” thing back. It sounds like a fairground ride. A ridiculous idea. Ridiculous and odd. Ridiculously odd. Oddly ridiculous. Ridiculously hipster. All really wanky. Right up the wacky Truth Coffee street. It will appeal to… well… it will appeal to your current clientele. Although of course, if it kicks off, then foreign tourist money will surely keep it going, especially while the ANC keeps the exchange rate at such a favourable level.

But why are you asking us to pay for it?

Crowdfunding is fine. But it’s really aimed at startups, charities, individuals or businesses that have no money and no other means of getting any. It’s not for established, profitable companies. I mean, I don’t think there are rules, and so of course you can ask. And you have. But why should the general public choose to fund your next money-making scheme? Haven’t you heard of banks? Corporate loans?

And what’s in it for us? Well, there are various rewards for your money, but give Truth Coffee R300 and they will give you 30 minutes in their new Brew Bar, watching Truth owner and much-vaunted business guru David Donde (who apparently can’t afford to fund his own new money-making ideas) (although maybe that’s why he has so much money) making you a cup of coffee.

Or, (and could we have this in bold please? We can? Great!), or your R300 could buy a bed for FIVE homeless people for FIVE nights at The Haven Night Shelter in Cape Town (by clicking here).

It’s your money and you can do whatever you like with it. I’m just saying that there might be other, better, things to spend it on.
And if you want to go along and enjoy this new physics-defying Brew Bar once it’s open (assuming we’re still here), then all power to you. Go. Enjoy.

But paying for it to be built so that an already hugely successful business can make more money on the back of it? Are you nuts?

For the record, 6000 miles from civilisation… has no ties with any other coffee store. We just think this is a really crap way to try and use your cult. 
No bitterness intended. (No sugar required.)

4 thoughts on “Truth

  1. I got this one in my inbox as well. In truth (ha ha… ha), I think that this is actually more of a Thundafund PR stunt (I guess the recent Fokofpolisiekar cd launch thing turned the spotlight back on them). Also, I’m glad to see that you chose not to use any of the attached pics that came with the PR push. A hair cut and less Forbes cover wannabe would look a lot better on the guy.

  2. They are pre selling tickets. Haven’t you ever gone to a concert or festival where you buy tickets in advance?

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