I have questions, Kirstenbosch

Another day, another local sign.

This one is outside Kirstenbosch Botanical Gardens, a place very close to my heart – I actually got married to the long-suffering Mrs 6000 there. So I’m not writing this lightly.

Texas (UK)?

Let’s not beat about the bush here: Texas is not in the UK.

Texas is nearly three times the size of the UK.
Texas would swamp the UK.
Texas is not in the UK.

I asked 100 individuals which country Texas was in* and 99 of them knew that it was in the USA. The other one was a beagle, and you can’t really expect a beagle to know that sort of thing. But then, who knows: maybe the sign was done by a beagle? What they lack in geographical nous, they surely make up for with their sign-writing abilities.

I do understand that as a National Botanical Garden, Kirstenbosch is obviously more about horticulture than geography. But still, publicly displaying this sort of inaccuracy is – at best – embarrassing.

And at worst…? Well, it’s not even the worst bit of the sign.

What sort of repugnant nonsense are you planning on serving in your restaurant on New Year’s Eve?
Literally no-one wants to bring in the New Year with cool fish soup. We’re all well aware of the results of boiling a fish anyway: it’s mingy. It’s absolutely the worst way of cooking fish that exists. That’s why normal people advocate frying or grilling fish, with a touch of lemon or garlic butter, (add seasoning to taste).

Also, why goldfish? How bizarre. Is this the latest hipster fad or something? I also felt that it might be ecologically unsound, so I checked the SASSI lists, but goldfish isn’t even mentioned. That’s because you don’t eat goldfish, you look at them. Serving goldfish soup is the start of a slippery slope. What next? Sautéed hagfish? Parrotfish bisque? Ugh.

You simply don’t need to do this. Play to your strengths. Just do plants.
That’s what you’re good at. Plants. Do that.

But maybe I’ve got this all wrong. Again.
Maybe this isn’t a meal at all, but rather just a spectacle. How very cruel.

We’re all well aware that the average goldfish is able to survive in a range of temperatures, from near freezing right up to 30ºC. But 30ºC is merely warm. However, ‘Hot Water” would suggest something well in excess of that. And while the goldfish may be able to briefly tolerate this higher temperature environment, the amount of oxygen dissolved in the water will decline as the temperature increases, meaning that the goldfish will struggle to breathe and eventually die or be cooked. Or both.

It’ll probably make a horrible whining noise as it expires. Goldfish usually do in my experience (Rocking The Daisies, 2013).

For your information, I will be reporting this sign to the SPCA and the Two Oceans Aquarium. I would also have reported it to some local geographical society or other, but I literally couldn’t find one that still existed. Maybe that’s what’s behind the Texas (UK) debacle.

Please, Kirstenbosch. Don’t put the anyone through such unnecessary cruelty. Let’s go into 2018 on a high note (and I don’t mean the last squeals of an expiring Goldfish). There’s enough to see and do in Kirstenbosch. You don’t need gimmicks like this.

Please reconsider.


* obviously, I didn’t really do this. I have a full-time job. 

Trance Monkey Update!

The monkeys are safe! Remember when we told you that the monkeys were going to go crazy by the doof-doof sounds of the Astral Circus party at Monkey Town in Somerset West this weekend (he said without taking a breath)?

Regular reader and (now) part time, informal trance party correspondent for 6000 miles…, AniB, got in touch this morning with great news:

That link takes you through to Astral Circus’ Facebook page, where they state:

I’m sure most of you have read the article about Astral Circus regarding how the sound is going to affect the monkeys and animals surrounding the venue.

I’m pretty sure they meant Monday’s post on here.

A sound test was done today and we’re happy to announce the sound doesn’t reach the monkeys therefore it will cause no harm to any of them.


See you on the dance floor.

Well, look. I’m glad they’ve done the responsible thing and tested the sound levels. And I hope that the SPCA are ok with the party going ahead now, but you can’t help but feel a little sorry for the monkeys. One can only imagine that they had been looking forward to several (or more) hours of chilled vibes kicking off with local bad boy (I actually have no idea if he is local, bad, or indeed a boy) Hoax and moving on to the likes of DJ D-rANg3D, Phixius, Satori, the hugely anticipated trance-off twixt Psyden and Erreur (“They teach you there’s a boundary line to music. But, man, there’s no boundary line to art”), before culminating with the magic musical dreamweaver that is Psyfunk.

Instead, all that they’re able to look forward to is some peanuts and (possibly) an extra banana on Sunday morning.

Unless, of course, we can crowdfund a few tickets for them…

“Trance Party Will Traumatise Monkeys”


Yes, really:

The SPCA is up in arms about a trance party planned for Saturday night at a venue in Monkey Town in Somerset West, which is home to more than 200 primates.

What, Somerset West?
Oh, the monkey zoo place. Sorry. Carry on.

It has threatened to have the organisers arrested if they go ahead with what is billed as “an epic night of thundering bass lines and psychedelic melodies taking us into the blissfulness of each other’s minds”.

Pftt. Is anyone else just hearing the hand-wringingly awful:

Won’t somebody please think of the monkeys?

Without wanting to belittle the SPCA’s concerns in any way, and hopefully without any use of the word “killjoys” (oops), am I alone in thinking that the monkeys might actually enjoy a night of banging trance? Given that they are our closet relatives, and that some humans enjoy trance music, I think it’s worth a go. In addition, there are no lyrics for their puny frontal and parietal lobes to have to struggle with. (It’s also a well known fact that gibbons are well into the rave scene. So it’s really not that much of a stretch.)

But, no. The SPCA attempt to strengthen their argument for having the event cancelled with this line:

“We get repeated complaints from horse owners when trance parties are held in the Boland that the continual thumping and laser lights caused their horses to go crazy.”

But horses aren’t monkeys. Horses are notoriously miserable animals with no opposable thumbs who are generally more into show-jumping and the Industrial Goth scene. They’re obviously going to be irritated by trance’s 4/4 time, 32 beat phrases, time-keeping downbeat kick drum and regular open hi-hat placed on the upbeat or every 1/8th division of the bar. That and the complete lack of challenging fences in the arena.
No wonder they go crazy.

Monkeys though? I reckon that’s right up their tree. And who wouldn’t want to be taken into the blissfulness of a chimpanzee’s mind, anyway?

C’mon SPCA… give it the green light. Just this once. After all, what could possibly go wrong?

Next: Overberg Overrun By Lunatic Music Monkeys.

A call to action

Last night, in Cecilia Forest, in Cape Town, 7 trees, died, from the, cold. The soil that they are planted in drops to -60 at night. There are 130 trees left.

Today, this website, 6000 miles…,  will make sure that every single tree in the forest has a blanket. Once we have enough money for that forest, we will move on to the next one and not stop until we have exhausted our resources.

This is not a goal or a wish or a hope. This will happen. Possibly anyway: have you seen the size of some of those trees? Pretty tall order. Pretty tall trees.

You can help in one of two ways. But whatever you do, you mustn’t do both. You can make a donation based on the number, of commas, I used, in the first sentence of, this post. Donations should be made to my private bank account, and may well eventually be used for the purchase of tarpaulins to wrap up trees.

The second is simply by spreading the word.

Right now, the ‘Social Media World Forum Africa’ has finished in Cape Town, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t continue to annoy people by using the hashtag: #smwf. God knows they’ve annoyed the rest of us with it enough this week. The conference was full of people, from the corporate world, with money, and commas.

We’re going to get their attention for a while. If you can, please choose one (or several) of the following tweets and keep tweeting them. Flood them. As long as you include the #smwf hashtag, they’ll see it, and it won’t even be called spam. Probably. All you have to do is copy and paste one (or all) of the following into twitter.


Last night 7 trees died of the cold in Cecilia Forest. Can you help? #smwf http://u3.co.za/xl

Is it warm where you are? Wood burning stove? Trees are dying, please help. http://u3.co.za/xl #smwf

Trees can’t ask for help because they don’t have mouths, so I’m asking for them, please read: http://u3.co.za/xl #smwf

Wouldn’t a good use of social media be to help the trees dying of the cold this winter? http://u3.co.za/xl #smwf

You want people using social media to like you? Be nice. Help the trees dying of the cold this winter – http://u3.co.za/xl #smwf

How much money did your company make last year? Not being nosy, just asking. http://u3.co.za/xl #smwf

Dear Social Media World Conference, can you spare a moment and some money for a Douglas Fir that might die tonight? http://u3.co.za/xl #smwf

Thank you,


PS. This message won’t disappear once we’re done.


With apologies to I wrote this for you.

On a more serious note, if you wish to donate to the Cape of Good Hope SPCA, their banking details are:

Bank: Standard
Branch: Constantia
Branch Code: 051001
Acc no: 063 002 167
Acc name: Cape of Good Hope SPCA

Please fax a copy of your deposit slip together with your name and address details to Frances Dorer on 021 705 2127 or email [email protected] so that they can send you your tax certificate.

Stay warm, peeps.