One million people have looked at my photographs. One. Million!
Now, that will not be a big thing for some people, but it turns out that I’m actually quite chuffed with it.
Let’s have a song to celebrate.
Ironically, at the time of posting, this video has almost 5 million views. And it’s not even their best work. It’s not even the best mix of this song. So I clearly have some way to go to reach the dizzy heights of Goldfish et al.
But one million views is a really good start, thank you.
In the chair behind me, a client was having an earnest discussion with his barber as to which musical act was the better:
Local sax-based, electro-house-jazz duo, Goldfish:
…or Paul McCartney.
You might not have heard of Paul: he was mildly successful 50-odd years ago with some other guys.
But despite that historical fame, if we’re going to base success on, say, the number of times the act in question has played at the Kirstenbosch Summer Sunset Concert series, then it’s Goldfish that clearly come out on top.
At least that’s what Mr Haircut was trying to tell us.
Next week, I go to a garden centre to try work out which writer is better: veteran 16th century playwright William Shakespeare, or E.L. James, who gave us the 50 Shades… series.
I’ll probably be looking at how many times they have each done interviews on American late night TV talk shows as my deciding criterion.
This one is outside Kirstenbosch Botanical Gardens, a place very close to my heart – I actually got married to the long-suffering Mrs 6000 there. So I’m not writing this lightly.
Let’s not beat about the bush here: Texas is not in the UK.
Texas is nearly three times the size of the UK. Texas would swamp the UK. Texas is not in the UK.
I asked 100 individuals which country Texas was in* and 99 of them knew that it was in the USA. The other one was a beagle, and you can’t really expect a beagle to know that sort of thing. But then, who knows: maybe the sign was done by a beagle? What they lack in geographical nous, they surely make up for with their sign-writing abilities.
I do understand that as a National Botanical Garden, Kirstenbosch is obviously more about horticulture than geography. But still, publicly displaying this sort of inaccuracy is – at best – embarrassing.
And at worst…? Well, it’s not even the worst bit of the sign.
What sort of repugnant nonsense are you planning on serving in your restaurant on New Year’s Eve? Literally no-one wants to bring in the New Year with cool fish soup. We’re all well aware of the results of boiling a fish anyway: it’s mingy. It’s absolutely the worst way of cooking fish that exists. That’s why normal people advocate frying or grilling fish, with a touch of lemon or garlic butter, (add seasoning to taste).
Also, why goldfish? How bizarre. Is this the latest hipster fad or something? I also felt that it might be ecologically unsound, so I checked the SASSI lists, but goldfish isn’t even mentioned. That’s because you don’t eat goldfish, you look at them. Serving goldfish soup is the start of a slippery slope. What next? Sautéed hagfish? Parrotfish bisque? Ugh.
You simply don’t need to do this. Play to your strengths. Just do plants. That’s what you’re good at. Plants. Do that.
But maybe I’ve got this all wrong. Again. Maybe this isn’t a meal at all, but rather just a spectacle. How very cruel.
We’re all well aware that the average goldfish is able to survive in a range of temperatures, from near freezing right up to 30ºC. But 30ºC is merely warm. However, ‘Hot Water” would suggest something well in excess of that. And while the goldfish may be able to briefly tolerate this higher temperature environment, the amount of oxygen dissolved in the water will decline as the temperature increases, meaning that the goldfish will struggle to breathe and eventually die or be cooked. Or both.
It’ll probably make a horrible whining noise as it expires. Goldfish usually do in my experience (Rocking The Daisies, 2013).
For your information, I will be reporting this sign to the SPCA and the Two Oceans Aquarium. I would also have reported it to some local geographical society or other, but I literally couldn’t find one that still existed. Maybe that’s what’s behind the Texas (UK) debacle.
Please, Kirstenbosch. Don’t put the anyone through such unnecessary cruelty. Let’s go into 2018 on a high note (and I don’t mean the last squeals of an expiring Goldfish). There’s enough to see and do in Kirstenbosch. You don’t need gimmicks like this.
*obviously, I didn’t really do this. I have a full-time job.
Hectic doesn’t really begin to describe it. Although, of course, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I used to get my comfort from sleep, but that seems to have become a distant memory of late, so in both my spare seconds, I’ve been trawling the interweb and popping into local “record” shops on my nappy-seeking visits to Pick n Pay, for musical inspiration and salvation.
First off, for you non-Saffas, a wonderfully catchy summer hit released smack bang in the middle of winter by Cape Town’s electronica specialists, Goldfish. I will warn you that you will be Ooh-ahh, Ooh-ahh, Ooooh’ing for the rest of your day if you click on the youtube link below. This Is How It Goes is taken from their new album Perceptions of Pacha, which is seemingly widely unavailable to download anywhere online.
Watched? Enjoyed? Yes, I know. It’s perhaps a little too trendy for some of my older readers. I recognise that about 90% of you are now closing your browser windows in tears. It’s ok – it happens a lot when people read my stuff. And while Fleet and Globus will surely be checking out Goldfish further, they won’t be too annoyed to be reminded about the brilliant Fuzzbox and their lead singer, Vickie Perks. Here she is and they are, in top form back in 1989, in a video directed by and starring Adrian Edmondson.
Still brilliant. In a mildly chedderesque fashion. Vickie Perks is now lead singer of the imaginatively named “Vix n the Kix”, who, according to her myspace page are touring South Africa in October this year (TBC). This seems slightly bizarre for a band that appear to have been no further than Wolverhampton and Stourbridge of late, but hey – if you’re coming to Cape Town, Vickie, I’ll make the effort. Just let me know where and when.
* Visiting from South Africa? YouTube videos “no longer available”? Of course they are – it’s just dearest Telkom playing tricks on you. Refresh a few times or use the direct URL to play them.