Here’s my five year old daughter’s answer to “What do you want to be when you grow up?”


Meh. The practical work is fun, but the paperwork can be annoying and the pay is lousy.
Still, it’s better than working in an office.

P.S. When asked “What is your favourite place?”, she chose the Black Oystercatcher wine farm.
We’re totally winning as parents.

Cut it yourself

Another post that was featured on facebook yesterday evening, but needs to be popped somewhere less transient for purposes of posterity.

I got home last night to discover that while the babysitter had been making the kids’ dinner, Alex had cut his own fringe.

He was extremely proud, as you can see from the huge grin above. Some words were had, mainly about the presence of scissors (albeit safety scissors) near his eyes, but I believe that this is actually a rite of passage of sorts.

After all, it’s not like his Dad hasn’t had his fair share of dodgy haircuts over the years…

Future criminal?

I was pointed to this article by [someone] on twitter. I can’t remember who.
If it was you, you can claim the credit and I’ll insert your name in between those square parentheses right there.

But anyway, having young children and being of a scientific disposition, I was immediately intrigued by the

…recently-completed study that followed the lives of 1,000 people in New Zealand found that children as young as three who were impulsive, easily-frustrated, restless and unable to think about the long term were far more likely to have criminal records, drug and alcohol addictions, and other health and financial problems.

because those are the kind of things that you obviously want your kids to avoid if possible.

It was only when I started reading the article further that I realised it probably (probably) wasn’t completely genuine:

Here are a few tests you can perform on your child to see if he or she is going to be a bad guy.

  • Age 3: Give your child a long book to read, like Gravity’s Rainbow or Finnegan’s Wake, to test his attention span. Can he finish it in one sitting? If not, he’s probably six or seven months away from meth addiction. Cut your losses and sell him.
  • Age 4: Test your child’s skills at thinking about the long term by asking her to come up with a 10-year financial plan for the family. If she can’t properly account for the family budget, her own education, and your retirement, she’s going to be an alcoholic.
  • Age 5: See if your son is easily frustrated by pretending he doesn’t exist for a week or more. Months, even! Does he get angry? Sad? If so, he’s probably going to become a murderer. Yikes!
  • Age 6: Can your daughter control her impulses? Test this by giving her a gun. Does she do something stupid, like shoot your spouse? She is probably already a bank robber. Call the police immediately and disarm her.
  • Age 7: At this point you should just be drug-testing your child every eight hours.

Which made me laugh.

It is, however, inspired by genuine research conducted by Duke University in North Carolina, USA, indicating that kids who are not taught good self control will make poor decisions through adolescence and will not amount to much, except perhaps in the murky depths of the criminal underworld.

Duke University are also conducting studies on the role of forests on the defaecation habits of ursines and investigating the chosen faiths of major religious figures residing in the Vatican.

What’s the problem?

Oh, this one makes me proud to be English.

From here, via here.

A 29-STONE mum who feeds her eight-month old triplets with McDonald’s has insisted she is bringing the tots up in the “best way she can”.
Leanne Salt, 24, said she is “too busy” to properly feed daughters Deanna and Daisy and son Finlee.
So she lets them eat her takeaways and gives them Wotsits snacks and microwave meals.

(for my non UK visitors, 29 stone = 406 pounds or 184 kilos) 

I have to admit that once, in a fit of desperation, Alex was given 6 Chicken McNuggets from the Kenilworth drive-thru. It was as a result of poor paternal planning and I felt awful for ages afterwards, although with hindsight, that was probably because of the Quarterpounder with cheese that I had at the same time. And the cardboard fries.
Alex seemed to enjoy his reformed lumps of fried, mechanically-recovered chicken though, even if he didn’t really seem to know what to do with them. Well, he was only 6 weeks old at the time.

Of course, there’s no problem with the odd McDonald’s every now and again, even if they do their best to put parents off buying their inaccurately-named Happy Meals. But we certainly don’t go down the road of doing it every day. That would get in the way of his KFC addiction.

Leanne steers away from healthy foods in case it makes her tots anorexic. She said: “I don’t want them to think they have to watch what they eat. I’ll tell them big is beautiful.”

Yes readers, “big is beautiful” – I’ll let you decide on that one:

Picture from Closer magazine

When I see that sort of picture, aside from the immediately overwhelming thought that “big is beautiful” (obviously), I also find myself marvelling at the amazing strength of denim. Presumably, those are just over-the-counter jeans from the fat section of Matalan, and yet look what they’re holding within them.
Quite remarkable and a great advert for Vietnamese sweatshop workmanship.
Oh – and I wonder where the bikini-clad Carrie Fisher is, as well.

Swine flu can’t get to Coventry quickly enough.