How to spend money

So there I was, just wondering what to do with this MASSIVE PILE OF SPARE CASH I have filling up the living room at home, when this helpful article came along. Because, having just dropped a cool 178,472,341.54 South African Rand on my new yacht

Her generous outdoor spaces playing host to a wide range of amenities and ample space for sunbathing and relaxation; the spacious, covered al fresco dining area offering stylish furnishings and ample seating for any time of day whilst on the lower aft deck a large garage houses a large tender [careful now, Mr Malema] and a variety of water toys and diving equipment to keep even the most restless travellers entertained.

…I was at a bit of a loss as to what to do with the rest of my cash.

1-90299l-960x540 1-90297l-1600x900
Until, like I said, this helpful article came along, nestling under the “Luxury Yacht Advice” heading. These articles are so full of useful information, as those who remember the classic “6 tips for storing wine aboard your superyacht” will recall.

One yacht owner tells me of the occasion he uncorked a double magnum of 1990 Tignanello. “The bottle itself looked stunning,” he says. “We had moored at dusk just outside Stromboli off the coast of Sicily, and the moment the bottle was uncorked one of the island’s volcanoes started erupting, and there we were with a grandstand view. We stormed our way through the vino and it was the most spectacular sight I have ever seen.

Yes. I once stormed my way through almost a whole 70cl bottle of 2011 Klipdrift outside the 7/11 on Wynberg Main Road one Friday evening and there were some pretty amazing sights that night too, so I can totally relate.

He also believes a superyacht is not the ideal place to be serving one’s 1961 Château Lafite. “Not that we do ourselves badly,” he hastens to point out. “I’ll go to Corkers or Sardinian Wine Services and order wines such as Ornellaia, Tignanello and Sassicaia for the reds, some fine Antinori whites, Whispering Angel rosé and plenty of Bollinger. I can always drink the Lafite when I get home.”

Well, of course. Who’d risk the Lafite out on the open water?
Something we can all learn there, I feel.

But back onto the issue of my MASSIVE PILE OF SPARE CASH and what I’m going to do with it: well, it’s all going on razor wire and bulletproof cling film for my yacht’s windows, apparently.

See, the problem with yachts is that they’re purposely designed to be easy to get on and off. And they’re not very fast – my new one has a top speed of just 16 knots, which is less than 30kph. All of which is great when you’re lazily wandering from port to port somewhere on the French Riviera, but less good when you’re trying to not let pirates storm your yacht, steal your Bollie, your Klipdrift and your other posh stuff.

Hence this sort of delightful addition to your larny boat:


Sure, it might look a bit ugly, but it will not only keep Captain Blackbeard off your superyacht (unless they cunningly go round the end of it), it’s also brilliant at repelling #FeesMustFall demonstrations, the presence of which on your poopdeck can have a serious detrimental effect on your standing in superyachting circles.

Two seagulls, one stone. Winning.

Leave a Reply