She’s still dead

It’s been almost 13 years since that fateful night back in 1997 when Di and Dodi died. I love putting it like that, it sounds like a 1970’s folk song. I imagine a bearded guitarist with a headband in a faded photograph singing “La la lah, la, la. Di dodi died”.
But that’s another story.
Apparently, Di’s death was my generation’s JFK assassination – everyone knew where they were when they heard the news. I was having an early morning pee in a house in Blackbird Leys in Oxford.  It’s for this reason that I now always check the news before doing anything mundane or vaguely embarrassing. Perish the thought that I’m merrily scratching my arse when I hear that Madiba has shuffled skyward.

Anyway, at last, the mystery of who popped Diana’s clogs has been solved by Mohammed al-Fayed’s lawyer, Michael Mansfield QC, who has spoken through the mouthpiece of Middle England, the Daily Mail. It could be one of the most awesome articles they’ve ever done.

Diana, Princess of Wales was killed because she planned to expose senior members of the British arms trade involved with land mines, a leading lawyer claimed today.
Michael Mansfield QC, who represented Mohamed al-Fayed in the inquest into the death of his son Dodi and the former royal, said Diana claimed she had an ‘exposure diary’ in which she was going to unmask the people most closely involved with the British manufacturing of land mines.

Interesting stuff. But how on earth can he prove this sort of accusation?
Easy – the missing box of papers theory:

Mr Mansfield said there is a missing box of papers which could contain crucial information.

Wow. A missing box of papers. But what sort of papers?
Newspapers? Cigarette papers? Toilet papers?
Enlighten us, Michael!

‘Nobody really knows what was in it.’

Except papers, surely?

‘The box exists but when it was opened there was nothing in it and everybody has forgotten what was in it.’

Woah there! Hang on. I’m getting bewilderingly confused. This missing box of papers is actually empty? Surely that would make it a missing box of nothing. All the missing boxes of papers that I’ve not been able to locate have been full of papers. The hint is in the description.
The “of papers” bit, in particular.
And what sort of people are you dealing with here? There’s nothing in the missing box of papers (not even papers) and they’ve “forgotten what was in it”? Is it actually possible to forget nothing? Surely that’s the same as remembering everything. Like an elephant. Are you associating with pachyderms, Michael? Are those the individuals who have forgotten what was in this missing box not of papers? Elephants? Is that what you’re trying to tell us?

‘I don’t know what was in it. It is said there were papers in there.’

So you are basing your theory that Princess Di was knocked off over a missing box of papers that was said to contain papers, but didn’t actually contain papers when it was opened in front of you and your wrinkly grey posse?
Can you see why I might be struggling to take you seriously here, Mikey?

‘Two people so vilified suddenly end up in a crash. I started to ask… how did this come about?’

Firstly, most crashes are sudden. That’s why they’re crashes. But anyway.
My guess has always been that they were in a car which wrapped itself around a pillar in a tunnel. Other pairs of vilified people that I have known have seemingly escaped crashes by not being in cars which have wrapped themselves around a pillar in a tunnel. Equally, I have also heard stories of completely non-vilified individuals who have been in crashes as well.
Some involving pillars.

When asked how he distanced himself from conspiracy theorists, Mr Mansfield said: ‘I think most people think I’m a lunatic and that’s fine. I’m not a conspiracy theorist about everything and there is cock-up as opposed to conspiracy but it’s a very healthy analysis. It gets you to ask questions you wouldn’t otherwise ask.’

Oh, you’ve certainly done that, Mr M. My mind is now awash with queries of whether there were sinister elephantine agents behind this “accident”. Maybe they were the ones in the bar of the Ritz Hotel plying Henri Paul with shots of tequila to try and get him trunk.
Drunk, drunk – I meant drunk, sorry.
The way they slipped around the hotel CCTV was incredible though. But then, they are masters of disguise, are they not? How many of us have ever found an elephant in a bowl of custard, for example? Not me, for one.
Papers in missing boxes of papers, yes. Elephants in bowls of custard, not so much.

So yes, I think you’re a lunatic, Michael Mansfield. And that’s fine.
But I look forward with eager anticipation to your next hypothesis on Diana’s death. One which, I hope, will involve unicorns, Somalian pirates, some wood chippings and a surprisingly tasty crisp Greek salad.

But please. No more elephants. OK?

11 thoughts on “She’s still dead

  1. How dare you mock the memory of Diana.
    For millions of people across the world she was a saint and to lagh at her like this is disgusting you should be ashamed of urself.
    she died a horrible death by unknown agents. she was killed because of who she was an what she had done but she was our peoples Princess and she will allways be in our heart.

    you are sick for writing this

  2. I may be stating the obvious but the Di and Dodi song should be sung to the tune of Don Maclean’s American Pie. (the one Madonna cocked up). It is speculated that the song was a tribute to JFK.

    Ok now, all together – “Bye, Bye, Princess Di, Drove your……”

  3. @Princess of Hearts…no conspiracy, just bad luck. Stop looking for an excuse for what was a tragic accident. If she was killed because someone “had it in for her” due to her knowledge of landmine production in the UK, why were Dodi and Henri Paul also killed? Did they know something too?

  4. I think that Diana, the Princess of Whales, was killed by the Japanese because they saw her as a threat to their fishing industry.

  5. I suspect you may have ended up in the wrong profession. I believe that being a lawyer and/or folk singer would probably use your talents well. Oh my… perhaps a folk singing lawyer? You could capture the court’s attention with your whimsical lyrics.

    *ahem* That kind of madness aside, do people really still think that Di died because of some random conspiracy? Eep.
    .-= Rob´s last blog ..Installing OpenQRM on Ubuntu 9.10 =-.

  6. I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news of Di’s death (and Dodi’s … but wasn’t he an afterthought?). It really pissed me off. Son was looking forward so much to a particular TV programme that got bumped because of it and I, for my part, was looking forward to being able to sit quietly with the first cuppa of the day while he watched it.

    As for never finding an elephant in a bowl of custard, you do realise that’s because – as the old story has it – the elephants paint their nails yellow so they can hide upside down in the bowls of custard more effectively.
    .-= Ro´s last blog ..Snip Stops Slips =-.

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