I am currently being irritated by an advert that I keep being served on the internet. Mainly YouTube, but I have seen on The ‘Gram, as well.
It’s for a toothpaste which claims to relieve the problem of sensitive teeth.

I don’t have a particular issue with sensitive teeth (my problem – as you’re about to find out – is more with (over) sensitivity regarding the wording of online toothpaste advertisements), but I guess it’s a thing for people my age and they’re just chucking it out there to my demographic and hoping that someone will bite. No pun intended.

The line that gets me every time, just before I’m allowed to hit the SKIP button is that the product:

…offers instant relief in 60 seconds.

That’s not what “instant” means. What you are after is a synonym for “quick”. Something along the lines of “fast”, “speedy” or “expeditious”. But I’d probably suggest “rapid” for the alliteration.

But “instant” doesn’t mean “in 60 seconds”. It means “instant”.
And if you can’t even get that basic information correct, what are the chances of you being to cure my (or anyone else’s) sensitive teeth?

“You’ll be fine. Just give it a minute.”

Look, obviously I’m not going to take this any further: it’s sad enough that I’ve even brought it this far.

But if I wanted to


The Kraft Company markets its microwaveable cups as “ready in 3.5 minutes” but Amanda Ramirez says it takes longer.
The $5m (£4.2m) lawsuit claims the time advertised does not include preparation time – opening the lid and sauce pouch, before adding water and stirring.

Same petty energy.