Polar bear anatomy joke only works until you actually think about it a bit

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Spotted online recently:

I haven’t been living in the UK for 20 years now. And I certainly wasn’t there this April.
But I am aware of several (or more) people who were. Among their number, apparently, were some people working for the Met Office, one of the world’s leading weather services, providing forecasts and climate data for almost 170 years, and Paul Cox, a right-wing comedian of whom I had never heard before seeing his tweet above.

Obviously, Paul wouldn’t want to hear that April had been (just) warmer than average, given that this sort of news doesn’t suit the GB News agenda. But then equally, I doubt that the Met Office really cares about the GB News agenda. And I don’t think that the Met Office would deliberately sully its image by just tossing out incorrect information to make Paul and his opinion-orientated cronies grumpy.

Presumably, Paul thinks it’s been colder than the Met Office data suggests and thus doesn’t agree with the Met Office’s statement, but then he’s likely relying on anecdotal evidence like it feeling a bit chilly when he went to pick up some fags at the Spar that Tuesday morning, rather than their more than 200 weather stations across the UK measuring:

…a large variety of different meteorological parameters, including air temperature; atmospheric pressure; rainfall; wind speed and direction, humidity; cloud height and visibility.

No axe to grind here, but I know whose data I think might be more accurate on how just warm April was.

But then Paul goes weirdly off-message and tries to compare the UK’s average temperature in April to:

A polar bears [sic] ball bag

I presume that by “ball bag”, he is using the colloquial term for scrotum.

The thing is though, the UK’s mean temperature for April was 8.3o, and a polar bear, being a mammal, has a body temperature of around 37o. Even allowing for the slightly cooler temperature required for effective spermatogenesis, the seasonal nature of this biological process in polar bears, their bouts of swimming in icy waters, and their light hibernation during the winter, the average temperature of a polar bear’s ball bag will still comfortably remain somewhere in the mid-30os.

This is clearly way higher than the UK in April – or any other month.
What on earth were you thinking about, Paul?

There is absolutely no chance that the average temperature calculated by the Met Office in April is warmer than a polar bears ball bag.

Now if only he’d suggested the bottom of a penguin’s foot…

Knife crime solved (but not stone/rock crime)

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Incoming from one of our crime correspondents back in the UK, this:

Knifes should BANNED!!

Claire’s gone in hard there. No messing around. No hesitancy. No doubting her feelings. Some question over what might be her home language, but that’s really beside the point.

Knifes should BANNED!!

Given that this is an emotive subject and looking her upfront, overt statement, it’s unsurprising that others might choose to voice their own opinions on this subject. And Top Fan Sharon is right there, not even bothering with even basic punctuation, feeling that the words speak for themselves.

Yes I agree but how .

They’re the staple of every kitchen

Knifes are indeed the staple of every kitchen. Knifes and other utensils. And also food. But you never hear of anyone being stabbed to death with a spatula or a Asian-style pork belly with ginger and lemongrass, now do you? It’s clearly knifes that are the problem and that’s why knifes should BANNED!!

And, in theory, this somewhat draconian, but well-meaning plan, whilst making basic cooking and eating rather difficult, would likely eradicate knife crime pretty quickly. But the yoof of todayTM aren’t foolish. If they can’t stab you with a knife, they’ll just turn to other means of… er… “protection”, like spatulas stones / rocks ! . And as Sharon points out:

Can’t ban those.

Not like knifes.

The world is made up of stones / rocks ! and if we were to ban stones / rocks ! , then we’d have nothing to stand on. Banning stones / rocks ! makes the whole knifes should BANNED!! idea seem like a walk in the park. Although not Mortomley Park, obviously. The police cordons are still in place there.

The fact is that there is actually a really good law banning kids (or anyone else) in the UK from carrying knifes, and there has been since 1988, when MPs debated the motion “knifes should BANNED!!” in Parliament and came up with the Criminal Justice Act in response.

So knifes should BANNED!! albeit at the expense of the culinary arts. And with stones / rocks ! seemingly impossible to restrict or control. It looks like we might be losing the war on juvenile crime. Still, at least they chose to go down the stones / rocks ! route and they haven’t turned to firearms.

Or have they? How on earth (still here, made of of stones / rocks ! – can’t ban those) are we supposed to deal with that situation?

Claire’s back to sort us out:

yeah also gun!

I’m sorry, what? Pray explain, Dawn?

gun need banned

What? All of it?

Like under the extensive, far-reaching, oft-updated Firearms Act of 1968, you mean?

I think that what these erstwhile ladies are missing is the fact that actually knifes are BANNED!! and also gun – gun are banned, too. Also, stabbing and shooting people are banned. Even with a spatula.

It’s almost as if the people carrying the knifes and the gun, and doing the stabbing and shooting, don’t really care about what the law says that they can or can’t do.

Why, I’d wager that they’d even throw stones / rocks ! at each other (and probably everyone else, lol) if it was illegal.

It was worth a try, but it does seem that your well-meaning, poorly expressed, grammatically disastrous comments aren’t actually going to help.

Because, to be honest, all this nastiness actually comes down to the people.
But banning people is like stones / rocks ! –
can’t ban those!

The only thing that could actually make this situation any better is some legislation about social media.

Yes: Facebook should BANNED!!

Thanks, Crime Correspondent

An Incredible Aussie Air Complaint Statistic

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This is amazing. There were a total of 51,589 complaints about aircraft noise in Australia last year.

20,716 of them were made by one person.

This seems like a lot of dedication. Or a really weird obsession. Or – most likely – both.

Regular readers will know that I occasionally blog about the invasive noise of tourist helicopters coming over our house (there’s actually one going over right now…). But I have nothing on this individual.

20,716 complaints a year is is 56.75 complaints a day.
Just under 2.5 complaints per hour. Every hour, every day.

We don’t have much information about this person, but we do know that they live under a flight path (shock, surprise) in Perth, Western Australia. And so we can do a bit more maths.

Because:

On average, Perth Airport (PER) has 103 departure flight(s) each day.

Of course, planes have to arrive before they can depart. But because planes take off from one end of the runway and land from the other, if you are under the flight path, you don’t have noise from 206 planes, just 103 – either the ones coming in or the ones going out.

And so this person lodged a complaint for every 1.81 flights going overhead.

Incredible.

Look, I know that aircraft noise is irritating, and there’s plenty of evidence to suggest that it can be bad for your health as well. But so can getting obsessed with complaining about aircraft noise (or anything else). And since Perth Airport has been around since 1944 – and even allowing for expansion over time – surely this person must have known what they were moving underneath?

Really, if it’s that much of a big deal to you (and it clearly is), just move house.

And if you think that they might not get a good price because of the aircraft noise, then simply use this logic to make sure you get a good price.

Nine out of ten for Netcare

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I had to call an ambulance for someone this week. Obviously, that’s never a good thing, but sometimes accidents happen and you have to deal with them. This injury was thankfully not life-threatening, but it did need an ambulance. And so I dialled 082 911 and I got through to Netcare.

The lady on the other end of the line was generally very helpful, and dispatched the ambulance promptly.
I only had two minor gripes. One was the amount of detail that they needed regarding the patient’s medical aid. And yes, I get that they need it, but there’s a time and a place and this was neither.
Honestly, once we had established that the patient had medical aid, I really just needed to get back to her and do my best to look after her, rather than asking her difficult questions about her specific plan and membership number. I told the operator that I needed to go and we could sort out the admin later.

The only other little thing was their SMS telling me that I could track the ambulance as it came through to us. This is a great idea and would be very helpful. Reassuring for the casualty and everyone else there. Except…
Click the link in the SMS and it asks you to download their app.
Download their app and it asks you to create an account.
Name, Cell number, Email address, ID number, Username, Password – no, a stronger one than that, and you’ll need a $p3cial character, and an UPPER CASE letter – ah, there we go.
I’ll send you an OTP now.
But it didn’t. Twice.
And I didn’t have time for this.
Can you imagine if this had have been a life-threatening injury?

In the end I had to call back on their emergency number to find out how far away the ambulance was from us. With hindsight, this would have been the better option from the start.

Anyway, I wanted to get those gripes out of the way because once their guys turned up (within the timeframe we were given), they were amazing.

Truth be told, there wasn’t actually much first aid to be done: just the usual checks for anything properly serious, and making sure that the patient was safe and comfortable, but I was actually impressed with how well my scene management stuff from my first aid courses came back to me.
Once we’d handed over to the paramedics though, it really was absolutely seamless, more like a demonstration of best practice, rather than an actual case with all its variables and difficulties. 25 minutes of friendly, efficient stabilising of the patient and administering some pain relief for the stretcher trip to the ambulance and the drive to the hospital; and then they made the stretcher trip to the ambulance, and the drive to the hospital.

Surgery that afternoon was apparently successful and we’re all hoping for a quick recovery.

All’s well that ends well.

Although I still haven’t got an OTP.

More on fibre problems

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You might recall that I gave you some weekend homework on Saturday. All about the guys that do the undersea cable repairs on… er… undersea cables.

And then you might recall that just yesterday I used the phrase:

Where else in the world except South Africa would you see the paragraph at the bottom of this post?

Well, here’s a thing that ties both those things together.
Because it relates to fibre optic cables, and it also is surely only a thing in South Africa.

And “smoked” isn’t some slang term for “sold” or “recycled”. The thieves in question are actually smoking the glass from the cables. Like, literally burning and inhaling them:

We were always assured that because of the zero metal content of fibre optic cables, and therefore their lack of value at the scrap metal dealers – as opposed to electric cables with their high copper content – they were relatively safe from the bad guys. Now it turns out that the bad guys are stealing them for a whole different reason.

Quite why ground glass is a good bulking agent is beyond me, but when you look at what else you are likely to find in our local street drugs:

Nyaope is a highly potent drug compared to other well-known drugs; while it frequently contains substances such as ARVs, cannabis, heroin, rat poison and detergent, it is worthwhile to denote the chemical makeup of nyaope has been shown to also vary and may change over time.

…maybe some powdered glass isn’t so bad after all.

There are plenty of other things in there which are going to cause you plenty of other problems anyway. So why not pack it out with some fibre optics? Maybe the hit gets to your brain faster: 200Mbps or something.

As long as a trawler hasn’t inadvertently dragged its anchor through a local undersea cable again, of course.