Amazon.co.uk #fail

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I got my Dad two brilliant books for Father’s Day. He’ll love them, if amazon.co.uk and their “premium” courier company, ShittyLink, ever actually get around to delivering them.

The story so far = two failed delivery attempts + a wasted day + a stinking email complaint + a grovelling reply.

But still no books.

Bring forth the sarcasm and the crying child: 

Thanks for your last email. I was consoled. 

Briefly. 

However, my father has had to continually ring Citylink and (having stayed in all day as he said he would) has now found out that the parcel has been in Rotherham all day. Poor parcel. But that’s beside the point. 

So – you (or rather your courier) didn’t manage to leave a note when they allegedly came to deliver the parcel on Saturday, didn’t fulfill their obligation to deliver after 10:30am on Monday and have failed to show up at all today despite my Dad wasting his entire day at home. 

In summary, it’s not great, is it? 

You know, I actually have no problem when things sometimes go awry. It happens to all of us from time to time. I used to work in a hospital lab and once almost killed a patient by mistake. (She got better). But when a company has one task – namely to courier goods from one place to another, not anything as taxing as therapeutic drug monitoring (which is really difficult and can easily go wrong) – and they mess it up time and time and time again, it annoys me. When they repeatedly waste the time and effort of their customers, that annoys me more. And when they claim to be offering this as a “premium service” – well, it’s just like some sort of sick joke, isn’t it?
I want to laugh, but I can’t. I hurt too much.

Truly, it probably doesn’t even matter when this order turns up now. You’ve ruined Father’s Day for my Dad; you’ve wasted an entire day of his life today and you’ve wasted his money in having to chase your “premium” courier company all over South Yorkshire on the phone. 

My 3 year old son keeps asking why Granddad hasn’t said thank you for his books. I told him that the useless company I ordered them from couldn’t get their arses into gear to organise a simple delivery. He cried. Copiously.
I reckon that’s basically a whole lifetime of potential orders you’ve lost – and who can blame him? 

I look forward to hearing how you plan to sort this out.

It’s raining here in Cape Town, I’m off to the rugby this evening and have plans for tomorrow as well, so I’d appreciate some sort of solution preferably within 48 minutes and not the 48 hours you promised in your last email. 

Yours, in foolishly optimistic anticipation,

6k.

I’m actually really disappointed. I’ve only used amazon.co.uk three times over the past year or so and this is the second time that they’ve let me down. Suffice to say, it’s going to take a lot to get me to use them again.

Tomorrow: my next letter to them, because the books blatantly aren’t going to arrive plus a report on what could be the muddiest game of rugby ever. It’s been raining HEAVILY for 24 hours all over Newlands. Handling errors deluxe.

Apartments for dwarves

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Following the Air France crash over (or rather ‘into’) the Atlantic Ocean a couple of weeks ago, a further incident involving an Airbus A330 has been reported – this time en route from Hong Kong to Perth.

Perth, Australia – A Qantas plane hit turbulence and suddenly lost altitude over Malaysia, throwing terrified passengers around the cabin and leaving seven people injured, the airline said on Monday.
The Airbus A330 with 219 passengers and crew aboard was flying from Hong Kong to the Australian west coast city of Perth overnight when it struck “severe turbulence” over Malaysian Borneo, Qantas said in a statement.

Passengers later described the panic and confusion in the darkened cabin as passengers not wearing seat belts were hurled from their seats.

“It appeared like we’d just dropped out of a 30-storey building,” uninjured passenger Keith Huxtable said. “It was dark … people screamed.”

Passenger Michelle Knight, also not hurt, said the crew told her the plane had plunged 30 metres.

Six passengers and a crew member were treated on board for minor injuries, Qantas corporate affairs manager David Epstein said. The captain reported minor damage inside the cabin, Epstein told Fairfax Radio.

Now, I sincerely hope that I am never involved in an incident such as this, but if I ever am, I would hope to get my thoughts together before speaking to the media once I’m back on terra firma. Because otherwise, I might say something silly.

Take Keith Huxtable, for example. Measurements alone are not enough for him to describe the bumpy ride. No. Keith has to illustrate the distances involved using tangible objects, so we can better appreciate the terror. But he does it very carefully to make it seem a whole lot worse than it actually was.
See how he says it was “like we’d just dropped out of a 30-storey building”? Well, maybe it was – but not from the 30th floor.

Sadly for Keith, the media also chatted to other passengers on board the aircraft and it’s blown his story wide open. 30 metres is about 10 storeys.  Either that or Keith builds apartment blocks for dwarves. Or maybe the bit of the plane that Keith was in fell three times further than all the other bits of the plane. Although that seems unlikely.

Either way – given that there will inevitably be a full-scale enquiry into any aircraft related incident, I think it’s best not to exaggerate, since the truth will out.

Father’s Grey

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As it is a rather grey Father’s Day here in Cape Town and I’m full of cold, I have spent most of the day inside watching the T20 final, reading my new Jeremy Clarkson book (sorry Mum) and listening to Placebo and Kasabian’s latest offerings. I’m never sure about albums with completely ridiculous titles, but despite its name, West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum is absolutely superb. Underdog is still my favourite track, which many of you will have unknowingly heard on the Kaka Sony Bravia ad which features the world’s largest zoetrope.

I think it’s a great ad and I’m not just saying that so that Sony read this and send me a free 42″ Bravia for my living room. I’ve still got the last one that they gave me and that’s working fine, thank you very much. So I’ll take the cash alternative this time, please.

Incidentally, Mr Kaka – who will be playing for Brazil against Italy just up the road in Pretoria this evening – learnt most of those fancy footballing tricks he shows off in that ad from me. Not many people know that I have taken many of the world’s top footballers under my wing at some point in their careers in order to let them learn from the best. Those who regularly play football with me will appreciate that I (very modestly) take great care to hide my silky skills so as not to outshine those around me.

And now, with the Sri Lankan innings coming to a close (although some would argue it was pretty much closed in the first two overs), I will return to my seat in front of the fire with my pipe and slippers and fulfill that traditional father stereotype.

One final thing – it is the summer solstice in the Northern hemisphere today, which means that today is the shortest day for us down below the equator. Summer is on its way*!

* ever so gradually.

Pinotage is nie my baas

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Pinotage isn’t my boss…

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…but when it talks, I listen.

Taken at Beyerskloof, November 2008. Their 2004 Pinotage Reserve is probably my favourite SA wine, despite spirited competition from Diemersfontein‘s Pinotage range. However, I think it’s fair to say that I am applying myself to the task of searching for new contenders on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis.

It’s hard work, but someone (me) has got to do it.