I read a thing

I read a thing. I can’t bring myself to admit upon which website I read this thing, because it’s deeply, deeply embarrassing. Think Daily Mail (see 6000 miles… passim), but maybe – somehow – even worse.

I know, right?

Anyway, my reason for being on this site was genuine enough. Simply to marvel at the bizarre and desperate opinions of one of the columnists, having spotted an excerpt on a rather cryptic link on social media. And yes, the opinions were pretty awful, the piece was unnecessarily vindictive and unpleasant, and it made me feel that my time in hoping that I was probably going to read some hateful rubbish, wasn’t wasted. I probably got some endorphins from (rightfully) feeling that my opinions on that subject (and probably every other subject) were better than theirs, too.

Then I made an error and I clicked on a link. It took me to another opinion piece on the same site – equally obsequious and obnoxious – but at least this one had an amusing paragraph in the middle:

I like to think that I am a pleasant enough house-guest. Often when going to stay with friends I ask if there is anything I can bring that my hosts don’t have in their neck of the woods. When visiting friends in Scotland, for example, I might offer to take with me some fresh fruits or vegetables. When visiting friends in Norfolk, it might be someone not related to them. But if ever my hosts suggested I should bring my own poop bucket, I would find a way to escape the event: call in sick, cite a spot of ‘the old trouble’ or remind them that getting out of London is always so difficult.

Because whatever your idea of fun might be, it cannot possibly include a scenario in which you carry a bucket of your own stools. Even the most ardent readers’ letters will not persuade me otherwise. On this matter I am strict.

I’m not sure it needs context. It’s probably even funnier without.

But then I’ve been inwardly giggling at a very childish London Underground pun all morning after our Curry Club dinner last night, so I’m clearly in a very silly mood.

But silly or not, I won’t be visiting that website again.