I’m going to try and get through this post without using the adjectives “upmarket” or “leafy”.
Wish me luck.
We all want to live in an upmarket, leafy [bugger] suburb, and so there’s always a bit of suburb creep, probably begun by crafty estate agents, but then happily perpetuated and propagated by residents and businesses who are trying to add a bit more class to their address by placing it somewhere nicer than it is – at least in nomenclature.
Apparently, Constantia is one of the nicest places to live in Cape Town. Well, that is when Bulgarian gangsters aren’t being murdered there. But that aside, it is generally very pleasant. But not everywhere is in Constantia – and that’s a problem. Thankfully it’s one easily solved by just lobbing the word “Constantia” onto the beginning or end of your business name.
I wrote about this back in 2012, were I termed this expansion of Constantia into a handy and easy to use portmanteau:
CONSPANSION.
You might have thought that it ended there. Because it probably should have done. But no.
Builders Warehouse in Retreat got in on the act, calling itself “Constantiaberg” after the mountain on the far side of Constantia from Builders Warehouse (but yes, in the background of the picture on their Google profile).
Constantia Online listed Kirstenbosch Botanical Gardens under “Fun Things To Do In Constantia”.
One of our friends who absolutely lives and works in Tokai has her business listed as being in Constantia.
Awkward.
Reddam House school in which used to be in Tokai or Westlake or Steenberg is now in Constantia. The school itself hasn’t moved an inch: incredibly, Constantia came to meet it. And Constantia came to meet it simply because Tokai or Westlake or Steenberg weren’t posh enough and so Reddam pretended that their school was in Constantia.
And it’s that entitled, privileged, posh-end kind of business, ignoring the rules of society like they do so very often, that has pushed Constantia way north of where Constantia actually is, as well.
Recently, Claremont BMW – in… er… Claremont, very much at least a Wynberg and a Kenilworth Upper (as well as quite a lot of a Claremont) away from Constantia – rebranded as… You guessed it:
Just for the record: this, while delightfully suiting the aims and narrative of this blog post, really is a massive stretch.
I do recall using a map on that last post about this phenomenon, but I can’t use that again, because this example doesn’t even come close to fitting on it. So here’s a new map.
Incredibly, that’s 11.23km from top to bottom. Or from bottom to top. It doesn’t matter which way you go. Ignore all the other suburbs you are clearly passing through. You’re in Constantia, all the way.
This northerly movement of Constantia – this Conspansion – now means that ironically, Bishopscourt – arguably a posher, upmarketer, leafier suburb than even Constantia – is also now in Constantia.
Which must be a bit of a downer for the residents there.
We also now live in Constantia, and eventually, so will you. Everything will eventually be in Constantia.
Conspansion is continuing, and there’s nothing you can do about it.