Category: that’s a bit mad

Pining for the fjords…

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Another internet find, this time via stumbleupon.com.

Presumably, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this photo:

My first thought was that it was a Yotel for parrots, but now I’m not so sure. Don’t parrots generally sleep standing up? Either these ones are dead, simultaneously anaesthetised or just really, really well trained.

I spotted a couple of gaps in the tray on the top right. They’ll need some Pollyfilla for that. Hahahaha!
(I’m here all week, try the veal.)

I’m going to give the happy looking staff the benefit of the doubt and say that they were probably just annoyed at the photographers request to “just pull out all the drawers”. How long must that have taken?
Actually, I’m not giving Grandma at the front there the benefit of the doubt. She just looks sinister. Which means that she fits right in.

I wonder if there are other aisles in this warehouse/storeroom for other birds. And lizards. And mammals.
And then the dark aisle at the end… for the drawers and drawers of “sleeping” humans.

No-one ever goes down there. And if they do. They don’t come back.

Aha! Just worked it out. These are the spare props for the infamous Monty Python sketch: note the suddenly blindingly obvious absence of any Norwegian Blues.

Any other suggestions, sensible or otherwise, as to what exactly is going on here are more than welcome in the comments section below.

Pirate Party

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This isn’t some late entry for the upcoming municipal elections (although… no), this was the immediate and unequivocal choice of my son when asked what sort of party he wanted for his fifth birthday.

Personally, I couldn’t really see the attraction, but then I wasn’t looking at it through innocent 4.96 year old eyes.

No, what went through my mind was 20 kids taking one of two sides: Some playing poorly organised, desperate Somali gunmen, sweating over whether they’re going to get several million dollars or be shot dead by US Navy Seals while the others pretend to be Malaysian sailors, working under a Panamanian flag of convenience and terrified as to whether they’ll ever get to see their families again. All with cupcakes and the occasional green Fizzer.

Of course, there is a far more romanticised, swashbuckling image of piracy as well. Captain Hook, Captain Blackbeard and (thanks to Charlie and Lola) Captain Squidbones, all searching for buried treasure, parrots on shoulder, cutlasses in hand and eye-patches on… well… eye. And (thankfully, I guess) that’s the image that we’ll be going for.

It all happens this afternoon – had to think about that since this post has been pre-written – so expect photos at some point if things go well, no comment if things are just “ok” and no more blogging ever if it all goes a bit Fukushima.

Kind regards,

6k. (aka R. Jimlad)

“A good throw back in” is not the answer

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Read and learn from the latest Two Oceans Aquarium blog post, people:

It’s that time of year again, when the Two Oceans Aquarium starts to receive calls from concerned members of the public who come across stranded juvenile (and occasionally sub-adult) turtles on the beaches of the Western Cape. The tiny turtles you may come across are most likely hatchlings and the size of your hand. They wash up on our beaches, suffering from hypothermia.

Unsurprisingly, in Yzerfontein, these tiny turtles come ready frozen.

Now, turtles being sea-dwelling creatures, you might expect reasonably that getting them back into the sea would be the most obvious and helpful thing to do. Add to this the fact that these little turtles appear to be stranded on the beach, and it would also seem sensible to assist them to get as far from land as possible. DO NOT THROW THE TINY TURTLE BACK INTO THE SEA.
In fact, don’t put them near any water at all –  even if you have a turtle stretcher.

Yes – I’m serious:

These turtles are most likely suffering from hypothermia, which makes them weak; in most instances they are so weak that they cannot lift their heads.

Turtles breathe air, just like us, and if a turtle cannot lift its head out of the water, it cannot breathe and will drown.
Once you have found a tiny turtle on the beach around the Cape Town coast, it needs rehabilitation. The first thing to do is to remove the turtle from the beach and place it in a dry container where it cannot drown. Keep it at room temperature to warm up slowly.

Dry containers: keeping tiny turtles from drowning since 1992. Actually, it’s a little known fact that it’s incredibly difficult for any creature to drown in a dry container.
And see how they state to “keep it at room temperature”?
DO NOT MICROWAVE THE TINY TURTLE.
There’s no place in this world for the pastime of microwaving small animals unless you plan to eat them immediately afterwards. And there’s virtually no meat on a tiny turtle anyway, so go grab a sandwich instead.

Contact us immediately (+27 (0)21 418 3823) and get the turtle to us as quickly as possible.

Very important: At no stage should the turtle be placed in water as it could drown.

The Aquarium has a team of trained aquarists who have lots of experience in caring for stranded turtles.

Depending on where you are, due to the recent fuel price increases, this could be quite expensive, but you’ve come this far – no throwing, no microwaving, supply of a suitably dry container – so you might as well follow this through. However, at this point:
DO NOT BE TEMPTED TO POST THE TINY TURTLE.
While a padded envelope may seem to be an adequately “dry container”, the vagaries of the South African postal system will almost certainly result in the tiny turtle being lost in transit. Tiny turtles require food as well as not water and they probably won’t find much nutrition in the bubble wrap, although they may have a lot of fun popping it before they pop their clogs.
However, opting to post the tiny turtle defeats the aim of attempting to save the tiny turtle in the first place.
Rather head to the Aquarium.

Once you have passed responsibility of the tiny turtle onto the team of trained aquarists, it is quite literally out of your hands. But you can go on your way safe in the knowledge that your lack of throwing, use of kitchen appliances and the local postal system, together with the provision of a commodious receptacle probably saved the life of that tiny turtle.
Don’t expect him to thank you though, because tiny turtles do not possess the complex vocal cords required for human speech. And even if they did, they are renowned for their absolutely appalling manners and lack of gratitude.

Christine’s Brilliant Idea

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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: The letters pages of local newspapers are the places to go if you want something to blog about. This morning, I didn’t particularly want something to blog about, but because I read the letters page of a local newspaper, I now have something to blog about. That thing is a letter from Christine Durell (no relation) from Montagu – and most specifically her brilliant idea.

Christine has written an open letter to Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma, the President of the Republic of South Africa, about Shell and their plans to explore for natural gas in the Karoo (see this blog and every bunnyhugger (sorry) site in SA, ad nauseum). JZ probably won’t read her letter, because he’s flying to China today and they’re not big on people writing letters to the media in China.

Anyway, Ladies and Gentlespoons; without further ado, I give you Christine Durell (no relation)!
[smattering of applause from assembled readers]

Dear Mr Zuma,

The more I hear and read about the diabolical things Shell has planned for our beloved Karoo, the more worrisome it becomes.

If I might just interject here, Christine?
Sorry – that was lovely so far: passionate, full of emotion, lovely.

I can’t help but notice, though, that you used the word “diabolical” there, after the latin root diabolus, “pertaining to, of, or characteristic of the Devil; Satanic”. Do you really mean this? It begs questions regarding the things you’ve heard and read.
What Satanic plans do you think Shell have in mind, exactly? Sacrificing virgins within a pentacle? Calling forth the demons of Hades and then asking them if they smelt any methane on the way up? Because I thought that the exploratory work in question was more about digging a few holes and having a quick look around 6km down. It sounds like you might have Shell confused with Hell.
Or… something.

Not only the process itself, but the fact that our country could be sold piecemeal to the highest bidder for a filthy short-term project which will make some people very rich indeed, is worrying.

Sorry, Christine. Me again. Are you perhaps suggesting that you would be appeased if we sold our country piecemeal to one of the lower bidders, thus making some people slightly less rich? Would that cause you less worry? I’m just asking because I can’t help but think that your approach would cause chaos in the property and general retail sectors. Have you considered this rather concerning side-effect?

It would be my dearest wish that our president could just stand up, be a man…

Hang on a sec, Chrissy love. You’re talking about a bloke who has 3 wives, 2 ex-wives, 20 kids and sings about wanting his machine gun. I think he’s “man” enough already thank you very much.

…and be remembered as the best president this country would ever have had, by just saying: “No.”

So, putting this in perspective, Christine, you think that if Jacob Zuma says “No.” to Shell, then he would automatically overtake, say… just for example, Nelson Mandela, as “the best president this country would ever have had”?
Has anyone told JZ about this?

Come to think of it, has anyone told Mandela about this?

I also noticed that you “would have had” used the past perfect conditional tense (or some form of it) there as well, Christine. Are you perhaps holding out for a future president to say “No.” to some other company and therefore leapfrog JZ into top spot.
I’m thinking that you’re thinking Julius Malema, right? Yes?
Meaning that the Christine Durell (no relation) list of all-time great South African presidents (post-Apartheid obviously, because none of them were that great before 1994) would read like this:

  1. Julius Malema
  2. Jacob Zuma
  3. Nelson Mandela

That looks awesome. But haven’t we forgotten someone…?
No. No, I don’t think we have.

Moving on – what if JZ does say “No.” to Shell and does become the best president this country would ever have had?

After that, he could probably get away with almost anything.

Once again, Christine, I am left wondering what you have heard and read. I don’t think that your conditional promise will cut much ice with Mr Zuma, because, you see, he already kinda does have those privileges. You’re offering him nothing new here. You’re essentially wanting something for nothing. Is this somehow related to your “don’t sell to the highest bidder” plan? Can you now see the confusion that it’s causing already?

But I have been so very disparaging about your letter thus far when really, all it has been is a lead up to the best and most original brilliant idea ever. Ever ever. An idea so brilliant that if it was ever to become president of South Africa, it would make Julius settle for silver and knock Madiba right out of the medals. Boom.

Bring it, Christine. Bring your brilliant idea on:

And in the meantime, to all those who continually use the four letter “F” word, let’s change it to the five letter one. As in, “frack off”, “no fracking way”, etc.

I’m lost. Incredulous. Bewildered. Blown. Away. Because if they say that the simplest ideas are the best ideas, then this is Sheer “fracking” Genius! (see what I did there?).

How – and I ask this question from my current position seated on the floor, because I was unsure that my legs would still hold me given the effect that your brilliantly simple, brilliantly original, brilliantly brilliant plan would have has had on me – how has no-one come up with this before?

I, for one, Christine, think that rather than placing that sort of idea in an open letter to the president of the republic in a regional newspaper, you should perhaps get some sort of trademark on it and use this as a filthy short-term project to make yourself very rich indeed.  Maybe get some placards and posters made up with “Frack off, Shell” or “Not in my fracking Karoo”.
Perhaps charge journalists a royalty each time they used it in a headline – I have a feeling that if they had thought of your brilliant idea, they’d probably use it as a headline in most (if not all) of the stories they wrote on this issue. Probably.

But these are just my humble suggestions – I recognise that a great mind such as yours will probably have some other brilliant ideas in mind for your brilliant idea.

If nothing else, when Shell see what you have done here, they will surely be forced to immediately shelve their plans to explore the Karoo for natural gas and go and find some other remote wilderness to destroy.

Christine Durell (no relation), we salute you.