Nigerian student uses magnets to prove gay marriage scientifically impossible

Headline of the day, right there.

Ah. Science. So long the bastion of the rational mind. So, when I read that Chibuihem Stanley Amalaha, a student of University of Lagos studying Chemical Engineering at the School of Post Graduate Studies, had scientifically proven that gay marriage was impossible, well, then assuming that his methods were sound and his work peer-reviewed, it must be true. Right?

I had to delve more deeply, so I went here to read about how Amalaha had come to his conclusion. And it was there that I learned that it wasn’t just magnets which had aided Amalaha in his deduction, it was poultry, electrostatics and algebra.
Yep, before you’ve even thought of a basic rebuttal to the magnets thing, he’s already got this one sewn up.
Or so it would seem.

Amalaha isn’t some two-bit, backstreet researcher, either. He’s worked on projects involving optics, fundamental mathematics, environmental chemistry and astronomy. He’s won awards and been on TV. You’re going to find it hard to argue with his credentials.

There’s a long interview with Amalaha on ThisdayLive (the link above), so I’m taken the important points from his work and I’m putting it here, because this guy is a genius and I like genii.

Amalaha on magnets:

I used two bar magnets in my research. A bar magnet is a horizontal magnet that has the North Pole and the South Pole and when you bring two bar magnets and you bring the North Pole together you find that the two North Poles will not attract. They will repel, that is, they will push away themselves showing that a man should not attract a man.
A female should not attract a female as South Pole of a magnet does not attract the South Pole of a magnet. But, when you bring a North Pole of a magnet and a South Pole of a magnet they will attract because they are not the same, indicating that a man will attract a woman because of the way nature has made a female.

At first, I was like, that’s so simple that it can’t be right.
But then, I was like, hang on, that’s so simple that it has to be right.

Physics has spoken. On the issue of homosexual marriage. In magnet fashion.

Amahala on acid (quite possibly by the sound of it):

When you bring surphuric acid and you reacts it with sodium hydroxide which is a base you are going to have salt and water. That tells you that the acid is a different body, the base is a different body and they will react. But if you bring an acid and you pour it on top of an acid chemistry there will be no reaction.  If you bring water and pour it on top it shows that there will be no reaction. If you bring a base either sodium hydroxide and you pour it on top of a sodium hydroxide you find out that there will be reaction showing that a man on top of a man will have no reaction. A woman on top of a woman will have no reaction, that is what chemistry is showing.

Again, this undeniable theory that like and like don’t go together.

“Who’d have thought, we could be lovers? She makes the bed and he steals the covers,” sang Paula Abdul and MC SkatKat in their 1989 hit Opposites Attract which Amalaha didn’t quote, but probably should have done. But they got on just fine, simply because she was a pre-alcoholic singing sensation and he was a collection of pixels in feline form. Christ alone knows what Amahala would make of that relationship.

And yes, Hydrogen atoms mate for life and make H2 and they’re the same as one another, but it’s worth noting that Helium doesn’t form diatomic molecules, because, as Amahala would have said if only he’d thought of it, He and He simply don’t go together.

Amahala on fowl cocks (I am so sorry – Ed.):

In biology, I used simple experiments and I came down to a lay man. We have seen that the female of a fowl is called hen and the male of a fowl is called a cock. We have never seen where a cock is having sex with a cock and we have never seen where a hen is having sex with another.

Or maybe it did happen and you missed it because you were playing with your magnets?

Amahala on A + B (this is long, but it’s worth reading):

If you say A + B in mathematics you are going to have B + A. For example, if I say two plus three it will give five. If I start from three, I say three plus two it also give you five showing that two plus three and three plus two are commutative because they gave the same results. That shows that A + B will give you B + A, you see that there is a change. In A + B, A started the journey while in B + A, B started the journey. If we use A as a man and use B as a woman we are going to have B + A that is woman and man showing that there is a reaction. A + B reacted, they interchanged and gave us B + A showing that commutativity obeys that a man should not marry a man and a woman should not marry a woman. If you use idempotency, it’s a reaction in mathematics where A + A = A. Actually in abstract algebra, A + A =2A but we are less concerned with the numerical value two. We are more less concerned with the symbols A, you find out that A + A will give you A showing that the whole thing goes unchanged. It didn’t change unlike commutativity A + B give B + A there is a change. A started the journey in commutativity and A + B gave us B + A and B started the journey after the equality sign. But in the case of idempotency A + A will give you A showing that it goes unreacted. You started with A and you meet A, the final result is A. Showing that a man meeting a man A + A will produce a man there is no reaction, it goes unreacted and in chemical engineering you have to send the material back to the reactor for the action to be carried out again showing that it goes unreacted. That is how mathematics has shown that gay marriage is wrong because commutativity proves that gay marriage is wrong.

I trust that you found that as easy to follow as I did.

I particularly like the ironic use of the word “equality” about two thirds of the way through and the hint that gay men should be sent back to a reactor. If – and I doubt this was the case, but – if you were unconvinced before that every single branch of (Nigerian) science hates the idea of same-sex marriage, this streak of mathematical genius will surely have turned you around.

So if today is spent at a Nigerian School of Post Graduate Studies, what does tomorrow bring for Amahala?

I want to be able to publish it in international journals. The finance has been a problem in this area because I found out that you you have to pay in dollars for international journals to publish you. You know finance is a factor and I don’t have money to start paying in US dollars and I need sponsors so that I can pay for the journals to be published.

Somehow, I don’t think the finance side is going to be your biggest stumbling block in this particular endeavour, sunshine.

All in all, I feel dirty. I feel wronged. I feel that something I hold dear to me (science) has been bastardised and sullied by an idiot who doesn’t know what he’s talking about. It’s like when Lewis Pugh starts spouting nonsense about fracking, but with more lab work.

Of course, this isn’t really science. Well, sticking two magnets together or performing neutralisation reactions, actually, that is science. However, then applying your results of those simple experiments to same sex marriage goes a little beyond the recognised scientific method. It’s like saying that oil and water don’t mix, and then claiming that it inconclusively proves that you should never buy a French hatchback.

No. This isn’t science. This is pure bigotry.

How to join the EFF

There will be people – probably not within the target market (such as it is) of this blog, but still there will be people – who will want to join Julius Malema’s Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF) party.

To do that, you’ll need to go to their website and click the appropriate link. But please remember that when paying, certain rules should be observed for the collective good:

EFF encourages fighters to use the FNB ATM to depositing membership fee as opposed to doing it inside the bank.

Economic Freedom Fighters encourages all those who are paying their membership directly to do so at the FNB ATM, as opposed to inside the bank. This is because when you deposit your membership fee inside the bank the greedy financial capitalists take R8 of the R10 membership fee. However, depositing it at the ATM is much more reduced.

Fighters across the country must guard at all times against being taken advantage of by any system. The membership fee must, as much as possible, contribute to the sustenance of the organisation we all love.

Damn those greedy financial capitalists and their 80% fee structure. Believe me, they’ll be the first up against the wall.

Screenshot available here for posterity.

Elected official attacked – seriously injured

Not a South African headline, despite our alleged issues with respecting democratic elections.

No, this one comes from Alaska and concerns the mayor of Talkeetna who has been in office for 15 years.

The mayor of Talkeetna is a cat called Stubbs.

Stubbs was attacked by a dog. You can’t make this sort of stuff up.

I think we all hope that Stubbs makes a quick and full recovery. And I would guess that he’ll be introducing some sort of anti-canine legislation as a matter of urgency as soon as he gets back into office.

Tuesday ephemera

Lots of interesting stuff* around today, so rather than lots of little posts, one all-encompassing behemoth containing all you need to know.

BEWARE THE MONKEY MAN! A baboon has been kicked out of his troop near Bredasdorp, according to Cape Agulhas Municipality:

Please note that a male baboon was kicked out of his troop and is roaming the edges of Bredasdorp town. He may enter the residential areas and the public is warned to be careful and not approach or agitate the baboon. The Municipality is working with Cape Nature to resolve the matter.

Which is all well and good (unless he breaks into your place and poos on the kitchen counter again), but if you run the Afrikaans version through Google Translate, you get this:

There is a monkey man roaming the town limits of Bredasdorp and it is feared that he moved into the neighbourhoods. He appears by his pack kicked. The public is warned not to confront the monkey man and stay away from him.

And I think that’s the way that all official CAM press announcements should be made from now on.

BEAM ME UP, SCOTTY! Captain Kirk watches Miley Cyrus’ MTV VMAs performance:

Brilliant! (via @DrRousseau)

BLOODY ELK! A gang of angry drunken elk barred a man from entering his home in suburban Stockholm on Tuesday, leaving the frightened homeowner no choice but to call police for help.

“They can be really dangerous. They become fearless. Instead of backing away when a person approaches, they move toward you. They may even take a run at you.” The incident involved four adult elk and one calf, Näverberg explained, all of whom were intoxicated after having eaten fermented apples that had fallen from the homeowner’s apple tree.

Worth clicking through just for the photo.

LONDON SKYSCRAPER IS SOLAR DEATH RAY! London’s Walkie-Talkie building’s mirrored frontage is focusing the sun’s rays onto the street below and melting cars and bikes. Seriously.

melt

On the plus side, it seems to keep the elks away, and they could makes some cash from it:

Dr James Keaveney of the University of Durham’s Atomic and Molecular Physics department said it appeared to be an inherent flaw in the building: “It’s a concave shape so it’s going to have a focussing [sic] effect on the light that is reflected from it.
There’s a power station in Spain that works on this principle. They have an array of mirrors that focusses [sic] light into a central pillar –?if it’s 60°C you could get solar panels and get some energy out of it.”

UPDATE: Some funny tweets on this here.

FIT FOR A KING! Well, a Prince anyway. A Saudi Prince has bought a 50% stake in The Mighty Red And White Wizzzzzzzaaaaaards:

A member of Saudi Arabia’s royal family, Prince Abdullah bin Mosaad bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, has bought a 50 per cent stake in Sheffield United’s parent company for £1, The Star can reveal.
In return the 47-year-old has agreed to provide “substantial new capital” designed to help the club return to the Premier League “as quickly as possible.”
Plc chairman Kevin McCabe refused to reveal the exact sums of money involved but recently described them as being a potential “game-changer.’

What could possibly go wrong? Premiership Champions by 2016*.

*T&Cs apply