Category: that’s a bit mad

Cause of Ebola in Liberia “is homosexualism”

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All those nonsensical theories about fruit bat reservoirs and under-cooked bush meat can finally be put aside, because some very important men in Liberia have met and revealed that the reason that Liberia has been stuck by the well-documented viral outbreak is:

That God is angry with Liberia, and that Ebola is a plague. Liberians have to pray and seek God’s forgiveness over the corruption and immoral acts (such as homosexualism, etc.) that continue to penetrate our society.

I need to point out right now that firstly, I realise that ‘homosexualism’ isn’t actually a word, and that secondly, I was not responsible for the use of the word ‘penetrate’ soon after ‘homosexualism’.
STOP SNIGGERING AT THE BACK!

But how can this be?
West African homosexualism is impossible! Lest we forget – it’s been proven with Nigerian magnets!

Anyway, the very important men were, as you may have guessed from their initial statement:

…more than 100 Bishops, Pastors, General Overseers, Prophets, Evangelists and other Ministers of the Gospel.

comprising of (but not limited to):

…mainstream church leaders such as Archbishop of the Catholic Church of Liberia, Lewis Zeiglier, first vice president of the Liberian Council of Churches, Rt. Reverend Dr. Kortu Brown, as well as representatives of other Christian associations with whom the LCC collaborated in organizing the meeting.

“But,” I hear you asking, “were The Pentecostal Fellowship Union of Liberia, Liberia Fellowship of Full Gospel Ministers, Association of Evangelicals of Liberia, Prophetic Call to Ministers, Christian Community in Liberia and the Apostolic World Christian Fellowship also represented?”

Well, let me put your mind at rest with this quote:

The Pentecostal Fellowship Union of Liberia, Liberia Fellowship of Full Gospel Ministers, Association of Evangelicals of Liberia, Prophetic Call to Ministers, Christian Community in Liberia, Apostolic World Christian Fellowship were all represented.

So – in short – yes. Yes, they were.

But now, finding the cause of the outbreak is surely only half the issue. What are we going to do about sorting it out, now that it’s already happening? No worries, they’ve got that sorted too:

That a three-day indoor fast and prayer across the nation be observed, commencing next Wednesday, August 6th, and concluding Friday, August 8th.

Maybe they also advised people to use hand sanitiser, to not hug corpses and to go and see a doctor promptly if they felt sick?
Well, no, they didn’t, but they did apparently suggest that people: “knock on the door of God”.

To be fair to the Big Man Upstairs, I would completely understand if He chose not to answer; after all, as we have all heard, homosexualism and Ebola are apparently rife in Liberia.

Coffee Trend Observations

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This observation was made by one of our number yesterday evening as some in our party ordered cappuccinos after dessert:

Cappuccinos are so yesterday, guys!

I was unaware of this fact (I don’t drink cappuccinos anyway).
Perhaps cappuccinos are out of date because they’re named after the 16th Century Ordo Fratrum Minorum Capuccinorum.

The individual in question then ordered a latte, which is of course named after the Intergalactic Scientific Company’s Prototype Latte Hyperspace Warp Drive.

That should be in vogue for the next few hundred years then.

Livestock transportation in the spotlight

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Following the tragic death of a giraffe which hit its head on a low bridge while being transported to Limpopo yesterday, individuals involved in the transportation of livestock have been warned to check again that the routes they are planning to take are suitable for the animals in question.

“Basically, what I are saying is that the drivers should look at the distinguishing features of the animals they are transporting, and adjust their route accordingly,” said Wessels van Heerden of Specialist Haulage & International Transportation (SHIT) Pty Ltd.
“This are a terrible, but wholly avoidable accident. Those involved should have thought about what physical characteristic are making a giraffe special – his long neck and his great height – and considered the implications of traveling under the Garsfontein Road bridge on the N1. Only last week, we are lucky to prevent another similar incident in which two elephants are due to be transported across an unfeasibly weak rope bridge in Mpumalanga. It are a disaster waiting to happen.”

However, there is also an argument that physical harm to the animal is not the only consideration which needs to be taken into account. Some organisations are calling for the regulations which would mean that the mental well-being of livestock in transit need to be addressed as well. Crystal Moonbeam is spokesperson for NGO People for the Organisation of Ethical Shipments (POES):

“Animals are people too. They have feelings, they suffer the same stresses and tensions as us. We need to ensure that they are happy, relaxed, comfortable and contented while they are being moved. There was an appalling case recently when a lorry carrying a mixed cargo of cows, springbok, kudu and ostrich got stuck in heavy traffic right outside a biltong factory in Braamfontein. For nearly ten minutes. Can you even imagine their pain?
We took the haulage company to court for causing the animals unnecessary distress. No, we didn’t win, but I think it’s important that we act as voice for the animals.”

And even the final destination of the livestock is something that the shippers need to consider before moving animals.
Van Heerden again:

“We have successfully stopped a shipment a couple of years ago. All the animal crates is perfect, the vehicle is fine and the route are sensible, but it are for a promotional event at a local balloon factory and whoever thought that taking four porcupines along to that was a good idea are clearly not thinking straight.”

Quite.

Lumineers, described

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This is a great cartoon from Wrong Hands, the Indie example being my favourite in that it basically sums up the Lumineers and Mumford & Sons, in one handy timeline.

anatomy-of-songs

I don’t listen to Country, Blues, Pop or Classic Rock enough to comment on those particular examples, but given the unerring accuracy of the Indie one, I can only assume that they are absolutely spot on.

I await the Tall Accountant’s comment on the bottom one with eager anticipation.